One of my clients is actively dying. We met today for only a half hour, and during that half hour, we focused on a lesson that is fundamental to spirituality and maintaining one's focus on God, even in the presence of terrible pain and weakness. I learned it from my own Director and try to pass it on to those I work with. It's a "simple" lesson with far reaching consequences, and yet, it is not one that is easy to do! I am hoping I can share here, what it is and something of why it is so important. The lesson is this. When you are speaking of what you feel -- especially if the feelings are multiple or antithetical, or when you are speaking of what is true and what you feel, please do NOT use the word BUT to link the clauses. Use AND instead! Let me give you an example.
It begins with a relatively positive statement: "I had a great idea today!" and then, all-too-often, the person says something like, "BUT I am afraid I don't have the expertise to carry it out!" Suddenly the excitement of the first statement is quenched with the second more negative or critical statement. If BUT were replaced with AND, this would not happen. Today Marsha said, [[ I feel so sick and weak! I am not capable of being myself.]] I asked her then to tell me who she is. I suggested she imagine doing a school assignment and write 4 or 5 sentences affirming who she is. We tried it together and her first sentence was, "I live within the presence of God." She then followed this immediately with, "BUT I don't find any comfort in this!" We talked about what she was experiencing, of course, and then I brought her back to her first sentence and how she had followed it up; I pointed out the BUT in the middle of the construction. I asked her to replace it with AND.
She then repeated, [[I live in the presence of God AND I find no comfort in it.]] At first, she thought there was not much difference between using
but vs and, but pretty quickly she said both sentences over again out loud, now finishing with, [[ I live in the presence of God, BUT I find no comfort in it.]] What she saw was the but in the sentence negates the whole first part, and caused her to focus only on the second part, "I find no comfort (in living in God's presence)". Then she said again, [[I live in the presence of God AND I find no comfort in it.]] And she began to see that replacing but with AND, manages to hold both truths together simultaneously. Both parts remained alive for her, both things remained true, and she could feel those truths even though it was uncomfortable to live them in tension with one another.
In fact, holding both truths together with AND, does a lot more than this. It allows one to focus on the truth that one lives in the presence of God even when one is finding no apparent comfort in that --- a very positive affirmation that diminishes the scariness of the second clause. As one continues to pay attention to the fact that one dwells in the presence of God even though there are negative feelings at the same time, it allows one to find comfort precisely where there was none present before! One will gradually feel stronger when one substitutes AND for BUT in such constructions.
Marsha then moved on to make several other statements of identity. [[[I am beloved of God.]] [[ I am a disciple of Christ,]] [[I am a loving mother and grandmother,]] and finally, [[I am an IHM Associate.]] She looked at each of these and, more and more securely, began to hold everything together with AND: "I am a disciple of Christ and I feel incredibly weak!" "I am a loving mother and grandmother AND it is so hard to die [and leave them without me]!" "I am an IHM associate AND . . ."]] (at this point Marsha found there was no BUT waiting to detract from the first half of the sentence, no critical voice telling her she was incapable or doing it wrong, etc.). She felt only gratitude, not least because she was coming to see she didn't need to lose a sense of identity in dying into the presence of God. Being completely honest about what one feels is not a betrayal of one's faith. It helps demonstrate how strong that faith is. Marsha knew this, but as she approached death, it was harder to hang onto! Expressing such complete honesty results in the kind of statement Jesus made from the cross when he cried out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Faith is held together with the sense of abject aloneness and abandonment; Jesus still calls upon his God in faith.
Yes, Marsha is a woman of deep faith, a woman who has worked hard in spiritual direction over the years, a woman who loves deeply and generously, AND she is a woman who is finding dying demanding and difficult as she also finds ways to rest in God while letting go of any need to control things or make God measure up to her expectations. In these moments she finds God always surpasses those expectations in surprising ways!! I reminded her of Paul's quote from 2 Cor 12:9, [[My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness,]] for that is what she practiced today, holding two seemingly antithetical facts together: 1) the graced presence and power of God AND 2) the incredible weakness she is experiencing as she feels diminishment overtaking her strength. Holding these two experiences together in a single act of faith and love is often the essence of being human. Practicing using AND instead of BUT can help us learn and internalize this lesson.
Used with Permission.
Marsha died this morning 08. November. 2024 at the IHM Motherhouse Complex in Monroe, MI. I am grateful for the opportunity to have worked with her for many years and particularly during these last weeks. Marsha was under hospice care, met with me weekly or oftener (recently), and was accompanied in close friendship and sisterhood by many IHM Sisters and Associates. They surrounded her when she died as is the IHM custom and as Marsha had always wanted.
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