Why Saint Paul? What Does Conversion Mean to You?

[[Dear Sister Laurel, Happy Feast Day!! [January 25, Conversion of St Paul] I wondered why you chose St Paul as your patron and why this particular feast day. I can understand what conversion expects of us all, but I guess I don't much see a hermit needing to convert or come to conversion. Does conversion mean the same thing to you now that it did when you chose this particular feast?]]

Thanks for the good wishes! I have chosen Paul as my patron and reaffirmed that choice several times since I was in high school and preparing to be baptized as a Catholic. I had read a book called The Great Lion of God and became inspired by Paul when I was about 13 years old. It may well have been part of what led me to an interest in the Catholic Church at the age of 15-16. Despite the book's inaccuracies and naive and harmonizing approach to Scripture, it introduced me to Paul in a way which would stay with me. (After all, I was just becoming a teenager; this was exciting stuff and it never occurred to me that Caldwell read Scripture naively! What would that matter to me then??!!) 

Paul was dynamic, faithful, thought through Judaism in a way which allowed one to see Christ as the fulfillment of the promise of the Hebrew Scriptures, travelled all over the place proclaiming the Gospel, and was incredibly courageous and independent. He captured my imagination and perhaps he began to capture my heart in some way even as he pointed beyond himself to Christ.) I chose him as a patron in a formal way for confirmation (though I had to disguise the name and spell it Paule because I was supposed to choose a female saint/name! It helped that the catechist who refused to allow me to have "Paul" on the card I showed her first (the card was to be handed to the bishop doing the confirming), never questioned me on who "Paule" actually was when I eventually showed her the second card!!!); I chose him again when I was a young Franciscan --- and the Feast Day itself as well in part because I was a convert to Catholicism. I confirmed that choice later on even though I used my given name instead of Paul Maureen in those years as a religious. 

Throughout my education in Theology, I came more and more to truly know and love Paul and his theology, but especially his theology of the cross. I am not sure who or where I would be had it not been for that theology and those who introduced me to it. It has been my companion during many dark days, and the ground of many joyous ones as well. (I have dealt with serious chronic illness from the age of 18 and struggled with it --- especially in finding ways to live my life in spite of it, and later as it became a grace in some ways.) When I made perpetual (eremitical) profession, while I retained my given name (I considered readopting Paul Maureen and the designation "of the Cross") I retained at the same time, the Feast Day, the Conversion of Paul. I expect Paul will continue to accompany, inspire, and instruct me through the rest of my life, especially in allowing it to be shaped in terms of the cross not only in weakness but in terms of God's power. (Thus, as the motto of my religious and eremitical life I chose 2 Cor 12:9, "(God's) power is made perfect in weakness." It is engraved on my ring.)

The question you ask about the meaning of conversion is an important one. Yes, my understanding of the process of conversion and what it requires and points to has changed. In the beginning it was a matter of becoming a Catholic --- and that, of course, meant more than simply being baptized into the Church. It meant becoming a Catholic in terms of theology, doctrine, and spirituality. It meant coming to read Scripture in the way the Church reads it --- not so much in the sense of accepting texts mean one thing and no other (the Church has only done this a handful; of times by the way), but reading it historically-critically, and -- as I studied, learning also to pray with the Scriptures. During these first years I was also introduced to a focused formation as a religious and, more generally, as a human being. Gradually these various streams melded together as I became a theologian and a religious. 

Over time I discovered a vocation to eremitical life in light of c 603. Some years into all of this, I came to know my relationship with Christ as nuptial and over time I grew as a contemplative. That occasioned a new chapter in my own formation as I entered the "gateways" represented by the canon's central elements and discovered the various ways they mediate the Mystery underlying all life in Christ. One piece of this growth was my membership in my parish as I discovered how I might be called to serve it, especially in regard to the Word of God. Even so, at this point conversion was about allowing myself to be made into an instance of c 603 life, a representative of one small but significant strand in the living stream of the Church's tradition of eremitical life. Later (about 10 years after perpetual profession), I began (and continue today), a very intense and focused process of personal formation accompanied by my Director (diocesan delegate). In this process conversion takes on a specifically intense sense of healing and in such healing, allowing the realization of the true self in Christ. Here my Heart and Mind are given over more completely to God.

At every pivotal point in these last 5 and a half years, I have affirmed more and more completely my call to eremitical life and the fact that I live it in the name and on behalf of the Church and her wellbeing. I learned how profoundly I am called to life in "the silence of solitude" (meaning life in communion and even union with God in Christ). Conversion means becoming the person God calls me to be. It means becoming God's own prayer in this world. (Which implies becoming ever more compassionate to and capable of hearing and holding the anguish of the world in conjunction with the unconditional love of God.) I think I am still far from that but on my way. The framework for this is c 603 (which I find beautiful!) and the work I will continue to do with my Director. The driving impulse behind it is the call to abundant life in and with Christ. It seems to me now that conversion is about coming to genuine and ever-deepening freedom with all that requires of letting go, forgiving, healing, and embracing my truest self in conformity with Christ. When I began this journey all those years ago, I thought I was myself. I was mistaken. Again, to truly be myself in the power of the Holy Spirit is my most fundamental vocation. Conversion serves that call. I think Thomas Merton said that holiness was being himself; Merton and I are on the same page with that comment. 

Feast of the Conversion of St Paul 2020

This last week we began a new series for Bible Study. We are reading through 2 Corinthians as a follow up to Galatians, something I hope will continue to provide a greater sense of Paul, his character and his theology. On this feast of the Conversion of St Paul I am very grateful I chose this Letter. In the past week, and mainly because of this Letter I have come to a deeper understanding of Paul's theology, and especially his theologies of the cross and of suffering.

In particular I came to appreciate  how radical the difference between Paul's paradoxical theology and the non-paradoxical theology of those Paul calls "Super Apostles". As a corollary to this I came to even greater clarity on what it means to reject certain ways of thinking as "worldly" or "fleshly" and to accept another way of thinking as being, "of Christ" or, "of God". As Isaiah reminds us, God's thought is not like our thought, his ways are not our ways. As high as heaven is above the earth, so God's ways are higher than our ways, and his thought is above our thought. All of this points to the way Paul would like to get the Corinthians to continue their conversion to Christianity, namely, by the renewal of their minds. The remaking of  minds referred to in 1 Corinthians 2:16 is not merely about accepting new doctrinal statements or truths; it is not even about simply saying yay or nay to the resurrection, for instance. Instead it is about allowing our minds to be reshaped by the Holy Spirit in a way which shifts us from non-paradoxical to paradoxical thinking rooted in the risen crucified Christ.

Because of his experience on the road to Damascus where Paul met the Risen Crucified Christ and clearly saw the paradoxes of Christianity embodied in Him, the theology Paul developed and proclaimed is essentially and radically paradoxical. It gives us strength perfected in weakness, triumph fully achieved in failure, eternal treasure consisting of the life of an infinite God revealed in flawed and breakable vessels of clay, and so forth. A non-paradoxical way of thinking can never see that in Christ the poor are truly rich, that the last are really first, that a crucified man is actually the exhaustive revelation of the God of truth and life, that the shame of crucifixion reveals the glory of God, that only the one who accepts suffering knows the God of all comfort, or that in death exists eternal life. The non-paradoxical (Greek) way of thinking says instead, if poor then NOT rich, if cast down then NOT raised up or glorified, if first then NOT last, if weak then NOT strong, if fragile and breakable then NOT a vessel holding (or capable of holding) an eternal treasure, if human then NOT Divine (and vice versa), if shamed then not glorified, and so forth. Paradoxical thinking drops the word NOT from each proposition. In Christ if we are weak then we are strong, if cast down then we are (really) raised up, etc. Paradoxical thinking is what allows Christians to see the world as sacramental and to perceive Christ as truly present in consecrated bread and wine.

Paul's encounter with the Risen Christ changed forever the way he saw reality. (I think this is part of the truth illustrated in the story of Paul's resulting blindness on the occasion of his conversion and commissioning. Because of this encounter Paul moved from non-paradoxical to paradoxical thinking and in light of it his mind was remade. It is not merely that he changed his mind about Jesus as Messiah, it is that he became capable of holding apparent contradictions together to reveal a new and always-surprising truth: God's Messiah is a crucified Messiah, the glory of God is revealed in shame; it is where one is helpless and weak that we see a portrait of Divine strength and sovereignty. All of this and more was embodied in Paul's vision on the road to Damascus. Because of this event Paul's mind was reshaped and empowered to embrace a paradoxical God and radically paradoxical Messiah.

As Paul worked out his theology in his occasional letters written in conjunction with the situations of various churches, Paul's heart and mind were reshaped, his conversion deepened, and he moved from faith to faith. Consequently he became more and more the Apostle God called and commissioned him to be. As a result we have a Church which is not merely a Jewish sect but instead, a world-wide people called to be similarly converted and remade in Christ. We celebrate all of this on this Feast day. I am reminded of one of the first classes I ever had in theology. John Dwyer told us, it is very difficult to think paradoxically; we just don't do it, but in order to do New Testament theology you have to be able to do this. I think  now that it is the gift of the Holy Spirit that one is able to think and view reality this way. It certainly is not natural! We have to learn to look at reality and be ready to perceive paradox but, I believe, we also have to be empowered by the  Spirit in this.

I am  also reminded of when I had my first appointment with (Arch)bishop Vigneron in seeking admission to profession under c 603. As a kind of ice-breaker the bishop asked me who my favorite Saint was. I named Paul and explained that if I could spend the rest of my life coming to understand his theology of the Cross I would be a happy camper. I laugh at myself now: "Better watch what you ask for Laurel! God just might take you up on it! And so he has.  In my deepening appreciation of the paradoxes at the heart of the Christ Event, Paul's thought inspires, challenges, comforts, and gives hope. It enlarges my heart and remakes my mind. I should not be surprised; this is the very thing Paul had hoped his letters and ministry would do for his converts in Corinth. Thanks be to God!

Feast of the Conversion of Paul (Reprised)

Today is the feast of the Conversion of St Paul, and my own feast day as well. We know Paul's story well. A good Jew, indeed, a scholar of the Law who saw the early Church as a distortion and danger to orthodoxy, one who understood that a crucified person was godless and shameful and could in no way be a faithful Jew or prophet, much less God's anointed one, persecuted the Church in the name of orthodoxy and for the glory of God. In sincere faithfulness to the covenant Paul hounded men, women and children, many of whom were his own neighbors. He sent them to prison and thence to their deaths. He, at least technically And according to Luke's version of things), colluded in the stoning of Stephen and sought to wipe Christians from the face of the earth.

While on a campaign to Damascus to root out and destroy more "apostates" Paul had a dramatic vision and heard someone call out to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?" Paul inquired who this voice was and was told, "I am Jesus whom you persecuteth." In that moment everything Paul knew, believed, and practiced, was turned upside down. God had vindicated the One whom Paul knew to be godless acording to the Law. He was alive rather than eternally dead, risen through the power of God as the Christians had claimed. For Paul nothing would ever be the same again. So it is with conversions.


Perhaps it is a matter of faulty perception on my part, and if so, I apologize, but it seems to me that conversion is not something most Catholics regard as pertinent to their lives. Conversion is something non-Catholics do when they become Catholics (or vice versa!). It is a onetime event that those "born into the faith" don't (it is thought) need to worry about! Those "born Catholic" may think in terms of "growing in their faith" or "becoming a better Catholic" (and there is certainly nothing wrong with thinking this way!) but "conversion" seems to be a word that is simply little-used for these processes. Somehow (perhaps because of the story of Paul!) conversion is too dramatic and messy a process it seems. It disrupts and is marked by difficult and abrupt discontinuities and conflicts or tensions. It demands a spiritual praxis which sets one apart from the norm, a prayer life which is central, engagement with the Word of God which is profound and more extensive than usual -- not minimal or nominal, and a faith life which does not tolerate compartmentalization. Growth, becoming, etc, are safer words --- demanding, yes, but somehow less total and more socially acceptable than references to "conversion."

In monastic life, and especially in Benedictine monastic life the primary vow is to conversion of life. This vow includes those ordinarily made in religious life, the vows of poverty and chastity. One commits oneself to continually allow God to remake one into the image of Christ (and into one's truest self). There is a sense that such conversion is a gradual and lifelong process of growth and maturation, yes, but there is also an openness to conversion as dramatic and all-consuming. Here conversion is something which does not allow the monastic to divide their lives into sacred and profane or to compartmentalize them into the spiritual and the non-spiritual. Here the Word of God is expected and allowed to convict, challenge, transform, and empower. Here the Spirit of God is accepted as the spirit which moves within us enlivening, edifying, consolidating, and purifying --- the Spirit which humanizes and sanctifies us into the covenant reality we are most truly. It is a pattern which should be true of every Christian.

Paul's initial conversion experience was dramatic by any standards, but drama aside, it did for Paul what encounter and engagement with the Word of God is meant to do to any of us. It caused him to see his entire world and life in terms of the risen and Crucified Christ. It put law completely at the service of love and made compassion the way to accomplish justice. It made human weakness the counterpart of divine strength, mercy and forgiveness the way God's will is accomplished, and in every other way turned the values of this world on their head. May each of us open ourselves to the kind of conversion of life we celebrate today.

Feast of the Conversion of Paul (Reprise)

Today is the feast of the Conversion of St Paul, and my own feastday as well. We know Paul's story well. A good Jew, indeed, a scholar of the Law who saw the early Church as a distortion and danger to orthodoxy, one who understood that a crucified person was godless and shameful and could in no way be a faithful Jew or prophet, much less God's anointed one, persecuted the Church in the name of orthodoxy, a zeal for the integrity of Israel's covenant with God, and for the glory of the God who maintained that covenant. In sincere faithfulness to the covenant Paul hounded men, women and children, many of whom were his own neighbors. He sent them to prison and thence to their deaths. He, at least technically (according to Luke's version of things), colluded in the stoning of Stephen and sought to wipe Christians from the face of the earth.

While on a campaign to Damascus to root out and destroy more "apostates" Paul had a dramatic vision and heard someone call out to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?" Paul inquired who this voice was and was told, "I am Jesus whom you persecuteth." In that moment everything Paul knew, believed, and practiced, was turned upside down. God had vindicated the One whom Paul knew to be godless acording to the Law. He was alive rather than eternally dead, risen through the power of God as the Christians had claimed. For Paul nothing would ever be the same again. So it is with conversions.


Perhaps it is a matter of faulty perception on my part, and if so, I apologize, but it seems to me that conversion is not something most Catholics regard as pertinent to their lives. Conversion is something non-Catholics do when they become Catholics (or vice versa!). It is a onetime event that those "born into the faith" don't (it is thought) need to worry about! Those "born Catholic" may think in terms of "growing in their faith" or "becoming a better Catholic" (and there is certainly nothing wrong with thinking this way!) but "conversion" seems to be a word that is simply little-used for these processes. Somehow (perhaps because of the story of Paul!) conversion is too dramatic and messy a process it seems. It disrupts and is marked by difficult and abrupt discontinuities and conflicts or tensions. It demands a spiritual praxis which sets one apart from the norm, a prayer life which is central, engagement with the Word of God which is profound and more extensive than usual -- not minimal or nominal, and a faith life which does not tolerate compartmentalization. Growth, becoming, etc, are safer words --- demanding, yes, but somehow less total and more socially acceptable than references to "conversion."

In monastic life, and especially in Benedictine monastic life the primary vow is to conversion of life. This vow includes those ordinarily made in religious life, the vows of poverty and chastity. One commits oneself to continually allow God to remake one into the image of Christ (and into one's truest self). There is a sense that such conversion is a gradual and lifelong process of growth and maturation, yes, but there is also an openness to conversion as dramatic and all-consuming. Here conversion is something which does not allow the monastic to divide their lives into sacred and profane or to compartmentalize them into the spiritual and the non-spiritual. Here the Word of God is expected  and allowed to convict, challenge, transform, and empower. Here the Spirit of God is accepted as the spirit which moves within us enlivening, edifying, consolidating, and purifying --- the Spirit which humanizes and sanctifies us into the covenant reality we are most truly. It is a pattern which should be true of every Christian.

Paul's initial conversion experience was dramatic by any standards, but drama aside, it did for Paul what encounter and engagement with the Word of God is meant to do to any of us. It caused him to see his entire world and life in terms of the risen and Crucified Christ. It put law completely at the service of love and made compassion the way to accomplish justice. It made human weakness the counterpart of divine strength, mercy and forgiveness the way God's will is accomplished, and in every other way turned the values of this world on their head. May each of us open ourselves to the kind of conversion of life we celebrate today.