Dealing With Chronic Illness as a Hermit

Because a couple of people have already asked about this because of my last post, I am reprising it now. 

[[Dear Sister, you have written you have chronic illness with chronic pain. I was wondering if that gets in the way of living of living eremitical life. For example, if you have a bad spell or relapse or something what happens to your Rule? Have you ever had to deal with long-term hospitalization or surgical rehabilitation? Did that change the way you prayed?. . . Do you ever feel like a failure as a hermit or contemplative?. . . Do you ever worry that God will not be able to put up with your weaknesses or failures (or falling short)? . . . I wonder if you would ever consider seeking dispensation of your vows for any of these reasons.]]

Interesting questions. I think I have answered something like this before but I looked for it and couldn't find it. You might want to check through the list of posts (under months and years) or the labels to the right and see if you can do better. Still, let me answer this briefly. Neither illness nor the chronic pain get in the way of my eremitical life per se. Both have led me over time to consider chronic illness as a potential vocation with eremitical life as a specific instance of this. (Remember that eremitical life is a desert life with a desert spirituality and chronic illness is, by definition, a desert experience.) However, there are certainly times when there are flares of illness and when pain is more difficult to control than other times. When this is the case my horarium changes, I spend more time in bed, I am unable to do some of the limited ministry I usually undertake, I tend not to study or sing as much, and my reading choices change. What does not change is my approach to the day as one sanctified by God through prayer at intervals throughout the day, some lectio divina, and some inner work via journaling or other writing.

While morally and canonically binding, my Rule is written more in terms of gospel and less in those of law. What I mean by this is that it lays out the ways I live the Gospel of Jesus Christ as the source and ground of life, love, and meaning for me, and it does this less than it spells out things I must or must not do. It defines what makes my life healthy and whole as a contemplative and eremitical life. But in times where I am not well or where chronic illness flares up especially, I will not be able to live this without modifications. Yes, at these times the ways in which I pray will likely differ in one way and another. For instance, rather than praying the whole of any hour of the Office I am more apt to pray a single psalm with antiphons, the Lord's Prayer and a canticle, but slowly while letting myself rest in God's hands. If I miss an hour I miss an hour. When I am awake or up again I pick up what seems most important to me --- the part that draws me most, for instance or the piece missed where I am most truly at home. Sometimes I will substitute a hymn on CD or a Taize chant for structured prayer/Office and just give myself over to the music. If I miss lots of prayer periods (and unfortunately this is sometimes unavoidable), I trust that "God gives to his beloved in sleep" (Psalm 127:2) and pick up wherever I can with whatever I most need once I am awake (whether prayer, food, water, shower, sunshine, contact with my director, etc). I think during times of flareups or extra difficulties it is critically important to keep in mind the difference between "praying all the prayers" and "praying always."

My Rule is helpful in letting me move back into various rhythms of the day as I can, but even more it is helpful in reminding me of the vision I seek to live whether well or ill, namely, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." I know that God is with me in every circumstance including sin and death! God accompanies me whether I am conscious of that or  capable of cooperating with him or not. So long as that is the case every moment of my life, from chronic pain, to intractable seizures and post ictal sleep, to the emotional pain and joy of inner work, to the favorite or latest Chaim Potok or Anne Perry book, can become a prayer and a source of growth in holiness. Again, prayer is the work of God within us. As for God giving up on me or some other absurd notion that somehow or other I could exhaust his patience, love, mercy, or will to accompany me well, that's the same as suggesting that my weakness might be too much for God to be the God Christ revealed! Whenever I am even tempted to give up on God in this way (not something that has happened often!), I remind myself of the following from Paul, [[ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.]] (Rom 5:8) In other words, when we are at our worst God loves us and gives his very life for us.

I don't feel (and have never felt) like a failure as a hermit or contemplative but I (like anyone else I imagine) always fall short in the sense that I can always grow in my vocation/authentic humanity and prayer. Again, my Rule (and the God and Gospel that inspires it) envisions and helps empower my growth in this vocation and in communion with God and love of myself and others. Sometimes I will fail at a given task (for instance, a reflection I am supposed to give, inability to meet with a client and need to postpone sessions, etc), and sometimes I will resist what is happening in prayer or the personal formation work I am doing, but while I find these failures frustrating, this is not the same as failing as either a contemplative or a hermit. When physical pain is a problem I treat it in the ways I can (medicine, TENS, exercise, meditation) and I do what I need to do while meds are kicking in (online scrabble, coloring or painting, walking around, . . ., reading an engrossing novel, etc***) --- things which are engrossing and distract from the pain while ensuring I give the meds a complete chance to work as they usually do. I ordinarily cannot sit in quiet prayer at these times because I really cannot be physically still in the way that requires. Even so, whatever I do to get through these periods, I pray and entrust myself to God's care as I wait. 

There are periods when illness dominates (and yes, I have had periods of hospitalization that extended for weeks or even several months at a time including a period of (7) experimental neurosurgical interventions --- this latter [took place] about 8 years before I became a hermit). On the whole, the essential elements of my Rule remain in some form or configuration. Were I to be unable to live major dimensions of my Rule for a significant period I would need to redact these to account for necessary changes while ensuring it remains an eremitical Rule with the same vision of such a life. (Since my Rule is drawn from my own experience it could change on the basis of my own experience --- though my vision of the nature and importance of eremitical life according to canon 603 is very unlikely to change radically; I just can't see that happening, especially because of illness/pain.)

Dispensation of vows would be unlikely to come up as an issue or option, and certainly is not something I can see myself requesting! (More likely the question of a change of vocation would come up at the beginning of a hermit's professed life, especially if there is a radical change in circumstances occurring before they have developed the heart and prayer life of a hermit.) Once these are formed, however, and the hermit has been admitted to perpetual profession and consecration, dispensation is much less likely to be something that will be considered because of illness. It is possible, however, that significant illness can reveal an eremitical life that is inadequately formed and rooted in the first place. Suffering is a wonderful test of the foundation of our lives and spirituality! At this point in my life, however, I am a hermit; it is a matter of my deepest inner truth as well as outer expression and even canonical standing; this means that I have and will always live illness and pain as challenging but integral parts of eremitical life. I think all the hermits I know, but especially those with chronic illnesses, feel essentially the same way about this.

*** (Note: this past year (2023-24 I have been experimenting with a Kailo (TM) patch a parishioner gave me. It has been very effective for some neuropathic pain and I have been able to reduce some meds by at least 50%! This means I can do quiet prayer more easily while up from pain.)

On Canon 603 Vocations and Living the Gospel Rule

[[Sister Laurel, I wondered if you live the Gospel Rule of Life or a different one. I was told you and other CL603 hermits write your own Rules, so I was wondering what you do about the Gospel Rule of Life.]]

Hi, and thanks for your questions. I have the impression that you believe if a c 603 hermit writes her own Rule, as the canon requires we do, it might not comport with the Gospel. Let me assure you that every diocesan hermit I know of lives Gospel values and has the God of Jesus Christ and union with Christ at the center of her life. There is perhaps no greater indication of this than the vows we make and the way these stand at the heart of our Rules. Remember these are vows of the Evangelical Counsels, literally --- vows to live these significant Gospel Counsels of Jesus. 

Even more, we live these values with Christ as our model, and beyond this, as our Beloved. It is Christ whose intimate friendship we know and hope to know ever more intimately, and whose relationships with Father and Spirit we also seek to know in complete dependence on the will of God. In this way, we recognize that in our professions and consecrations, we have been called to continue in our own lives the Incarnation of God's Son.

Each diocesan hermit's Rule of Life will capture 1) something of the hermit's experience of God as God has been at work in her life over the years, 2) her understanding of and commitment to the foundational elements of c 603, and 3) especially her experience of and faithfulness to redemption in Christ known and celebrated in the Gospel. These three are then contextualized within a public and ecclesial vocation lived for the sake of God, his Church, and all that is precious to God. Together these constitute a personally integrated program of solitary eremitical living as a disciple, and too, as a spouse of Christ who truly is the hermit's Beloved.  In other words, every facet of the c 603 hermit's Rule is transparent to and reflects the Gospel of God in Christ and is lived in the name of the Church.

I should point out that this is not surprising. The Gospel is understood to be the true Rule from several perspectives and spiritualities. St Francis summed up the Rule of his followers as the Gospel in @1209. St Francis de Sales wrote his Rule from his focus on Scripture. Vatican II counseled that the Gospel was the heart of any Rule of Life, and John Paul II in Vita Consecrata (1996) begins the document with a reference to the example and teaching of Jesus: [[The Consecrated Life, deeply rooted in the example and teaching of Christ the Lord, is a gift of God the Father to his Church through the Holy Spirit. By the profession of the evangelical counsels, the characteristic features of Jesus — the chaste, poor, and obedient one — are made constantly "visible" in the midst of the world, and the eyes of the faithful are directed towards the mystery of the Kingdom of God already at work in history, even as it awaits its full realization in heaven.]] After a beginning like that, it should not surprise anyone that the whole of consecrated life is meant to reflect what you have called, "the Gospel Rule."

I sincerely hope this is helpful. I wonder if you could let me know what you think the Gospel Rule is? I gave my understanding of it, but perhaps that is not what you think the phrase means. Let me know how you use this term! Thanks.

Vision before Legislation: A Livable Rule is not an Out-Sized to-Do List!!

[[Sister Laurel -- I tried writing a Rule for myself, not as a hermit because I am not one, but just for living as a Christian every day of my life. I got hung up though and it sounded more like I was making a colossal to-do list or something. I hate to-do lists because I always fail at them and they always get longer and longer and totally unfinished in every way. I think I may have a touch of OCD in this!! When I read what you write about writing a Rule or even recent posts on the canon you live under and are responsible for, it doesn't sound like your Rule or Canon 602 are like huge to-do lists. You even speak about this pattern as something beginners tend to write. Is there something about the way you look at these things which keeps you from making them into huge obstacles to living them? Thanks!]]

Thanks to you for your questions as well! I really like the way you describe the problem with your Rule as you perceive it! I am also really grateful for the way you linked Rule and Canon (603 by the way). I don't think I have ever written about the similarity between the way I approach the two of them, but you are entirely correct --- I do look at them similarly. For me, both embody a vision of eremitical life as lived in the contemporary church and world. As I have written here before, the elements of Canon 603 represent doorways to Mystery. Each doorway allows me into something of the whole life and to explore some specific dimension of it. Each one also provides a way to approach the world around me, to meditate on and understand its more important needs and yearnings. 

So, for instance, in praying with my Rule (I use it for lectio and as a kind of "workbook"), a term like stricter separation from the world (a mandatory norm of the eremitical life) can take me into the heart of God, the very essence of solitude and the summit of a warm and loving silence that sings my name and smooths the sharp edges of loneliness. It opens a world of both personal growth and challenge that comforts me and summons me to be myself to the fullest extent possible in and with God. But too, carried in the heart of God I am called back into the world by the God who would be Emmanuel. At the same time, it reminds me of all of the unnatural and inhuman experiences of silence we impose on others or have imposed on us, the cruel forms of "noise" that tear at the human heart or create what is sometimes called "soul murder", and it shows me a vision of eremitical life that stands in countercultural opposition to or tension with the world around me. It also allows me to see myself and my eremitical life as leaven affecting this same world for the better -- just as a beating heart quietly affects the entire person simply by carrying on its hidden work at the core of the organism.

Reflection on the phrase assiduous prayer and penance leads me to understand eremitical life as a form of spirituality where the hermit becomes God's own prayer in the world. Thus, I rarely understand this element of hermit life as being primarily about saying prayers or doing the ancillary kinds of things that support and nurture prayer (journaling, fasting, desert days, vigils). Instead, my reflection leads me to consider the needs of the world around me for love, for the ability to dialogue honestly, to listen deeply, and to be a vital source of the Holy Spirit at the center of it all. I tend to reflect on what things are like without God at the center and imagine what they could be whenever prayer (God's powerful and dynamic presence acting within) is made real there, and I pray for specific people and situations.

Even the way the canon is structured and composed provides material for reflection, meditation, and then, contemplation because I marvel at the way it combines necessary elements, the sine qua non of eremitical life with the individual's Rule of Life. This allows me to see more clearly the way human freedom (represented by the Rule itself since the hermit writes this on the basis of her own experience and understanding) combines with the varied constraints of life (the required elements of the canon) to produce healthy freedom and relatedness. In this, I have tended to reflect on the way the hermit models authentic freedom in opposition to undisciplined individualism and unconstrained liberty. Moreover, she does this in relative hiddenness. People speak about the freedom of the hermit. Somehow they truly recognize it despite the hiddenness and relative anonymity of the life. 

One hermit I know who is well on her way to profession and consecration under c 603, reflects on eremitical hiddenness in terms of a maternal "hidden love" that inculcates in her a compassionate solidarity with the unseen, unheard, uncounted, and uncared for in our world. For her as well, hiddenness is not primarily about things she will do or not do --- though she carefully considers such things, but about a vision of who the eremitic life calls her to be with and for others in order to effect change in (bring salvation to) our world. That she can be present with and for these others in this unique way is part of the deepest mystery of her vocation, just as it is for any hermit. The requirement that hermits lead an (either relatively or absolutely) hidden life in "stricter separation from the world" opens to this hermit the stunningly intimate and paradoxical Mystery revealed in Christ who is God-With-us.

In all of these examples the Rule codifies a vision of a meaningful life and how it is the central elements of c 603 provide the basis for a vision of the person the hermit will be and the life she will life on behalf of God's creation. There is always some attention to the do's and don'ts of the life but more fundamentally the Rule conveys who the hermit will be and the values we incarnate in order to be a significant-yet-hidden presence in our world. If you can begin to think of your own Rule in similar terms (terms that fit your own circumstances and state of life!!) I believe you will find it engages both your head and heart in profound and exciting ways that transcend the whole "to do or not to do" calculus that is so much an obstacle for you. Like contemplative life more generally, I think a Rule of Life that is truly livable for a person is one that inspires her to BE before it legislates what she will or will not DO.

Give it a try and please get back to me as you progress in your efforts. I would like to hear how you are doing with this; perhaps you can follow up with concrete examples that fit your own circumstances.