Retired with Questions on Living Eremitical Life

[[ Hi. I am recently retired, and, although I still have some obligations "in the world," I spend most of my time at home, where I live alone. For several weeks now I have been living an eremitic life while at home or similarly alone. I am wondering about eventually making private vows, initially for very short periods. But I have a concern. Currently, since I can "walk away" at any time, I can sincerely pray, for example, "Jesus, I am living this way because I want to be united more closely with you." But after making a vow, I'm worried that all I could pray is, "Jesus, I am living this way because I promised I would." Can you provide any advice on this? ]]

Thanks for your questions. First, I would say it is way too early for any kind of vows, private or otherwise. I appreciate you are living a period of solitude right now, but it is not eremitical, not yet anyway. Remember, you have retired and are in a transitional period of greater solitude. This is not eremitical solitude; eremitical solitude is not transitional solitude. You are beginning to negotiate how you will live retired life with all the questions that raises about how and why you are going to live moving forward in whatever way you choose to do that. Also, we are still dealing with the pandemic's enforced solitude in most places. Neither is this eremitical solitude --- though for some it might grow into this. Give yourself at least a year of living as you are. Also begin working regularly with a spiritual director who can assist you in this transitional time of discernment and bereavement (for there is serious loss upon retirement). 

If you mean your time to be eremitical, then after a transitional year, begin to make your life truly eremitical in all the ways a hermit would be living this time. (My concern here is that you deal with bereavement and loss before trying to become a hermit in a focused way. That ordinarily takes more than a year, but at the end of a year you might be in a position to focus on becoming a hermit as you continue transitioning in a new mode. The two things will overlap to some extent, but in the beginning, I think you must give attention to different things during this time, first to transitioning and bereavement, and then to eremitical life per se.)

Especially continue to ask yourself why you are doing this. Because there is only ONE reason to be living eremitical solitude, namely, God calls us to do so. So, does God seem to be calling you to this? If so, do you want to truly respond to that call in this way or not? At that point you might write yourself a Rule or set of guidelines regarding how God wants you to live this response of yours. Central to this Rule or set of guidelines will be an account of the ways God works in your life and how you respond to that working. There will be values you want to witness to, practices you want to model. There will be a vision of the life you are choosing to live. A Rule, Plan of Life or set of guidelines should reflect all of these. Live these for another year or two. With the assistance of your director, modify them as needed in the direction of how you feel called by God to live and continue living in this way for another couple of years; if at this point you are still clear that you are called by God to this, then, if you need to do this, write a liveable Rule you propose to live for at least five years. 

At this point you might be ready to make private vows for a period of a year or two which you can renew as needed until you are ready make a perpetual vow. (Please note: what changes and has been changing here is your understanding of and increasing ability to live the life, not your intention to love God in the way you are called. Remember that whenever one makes a vow, one intends to live it wholeheartedly for the rest of one's life. Even temporary vows are made with this deep intention. The idea is that while a vow may by temporally limited, one's gift of self to God is not. If you cannot do this, I would suggest you hold off making even a temporary commitment.)

If, at every point you can affirm not only that you want to be united more closely with Jesus, but can also say, "Jesus, I feel you calling me to unite myself to you in this specific way", a vow is not going to change that in the way you believe (or fear). It should express, codify, and strengthen your commitment of self. It is true that sometimes after making the vow, in the course of years you may feel at times that you are only living this because you committed to doing so. So? What if you were speaking of another relationship, one with a good friend where you committed to always "having their back" or something. Would that promise or commitment vitiate the friendship? Or is it a way of honoring and protecting the friendship in good times and bad? Are you friends merely because you promised you would have this person's back or did you promise what you did because of something deeper and very real? With vocations these same dynamics can be at play and your vow can hold you until you regain a better sense of things -- or as you negotiate seemingly chaotic periods of growth where you move "from faith to (deeper) faith".

After all, you discerned with the assistance of your spiritual director that were called to this and you responded with an eventual commitment.  (I am assuming this will be the case.) Your commitment was called for by what you discerned. Generally speaking you felt called and therefore made a commitment; you must always be able to say you live the commitment your were called to make. If your commitment keeps you responding to God's call when things are difficult, that is a good thing. It is a vow working as it is meant to work. If you cease to feel God is calling you to this life, then, again with the help of your director, discern whether you can continue keeping your commitment or not. Would this be false of you, insincere, merely willful, or is it the right thing to do until you regain a sense of what God is calling you to??

What I am saying throughout this is that only over time, with the help of a spiritual director, and lots of prayer, can you come to clarity on whether God is calling you to eremitical life. A commitment should not be made too early, but once it is made, it should help you to continue living a committed life. The commitment, if made rightly and based on good discernment, should strengthen the way you are living and intensify your love for Jesus. If it becomes empty in some way, it obliges you to get back in touch with your original motivations and sense of call. It obliges you to discern afresh and get in touch with what you initially discerned if that is possible. If, after some months of praying and working with your director on this, you cannot do that, then perhaps it is time to leave that commitment and this attempt at being a hermit behind.

I sincerely hope this is helpful. Please get back to me if it raises more questions.

In that light please see the addendum on this post above (It is the next post in the queue). I say a bit more about time frames (definitely not carved in stone) and the reason for them. I may decide to append them to this post, but they should do as the next (later) post. (https://2022/03/addendum-on-retired-and-seeking-to-live.html)

Called to Contemplative Life and Mystical Prayer? What next?

Dear Sister Laurel, I believe I might be called to contemplative life and mystical prayer. Is that possible? I mean in today's day and age I don't hear about either of these much, especially the latter. I wonder how I should go about responding to this call (these calls?). Is it even possible today? Do I need to become a hermit to do this? Can I marry? (I am not sure if I even want to marry, but I don't think I want to be a hermit.) I hope you can point me in the right direction here. Thanks!!

Thanks for these questions. First, yes, though I don't know anything more about you than your questions indicate, it is entirely possible that you are called to contemplative life and mystical prayer. While we don't hear a lot about mystical prayer today, it does exist and (if you know the right people!!) is a vital stream in the contemplative tradition today. Our church stresses apostolic ministry today more than contemplative life and most folks will find themselves involved in active ministry with prayer lives that support them in this. Some of these, especially religious women and men, however (the group I know best perhaps), develop strong contemplative prayer lives to anchor their active ministries and more, to fulfill their vows and vocation as religious. Many of these I think, especially as they age and "retire", allow themselves to focus on developing their contemplative prayer and some of these (perhaps a significant number even) will move through the various stages of prayer Teresa of Avila, for instance, outlined. Their prayer becomes profoundly mystical as God draws them ever deeper into His own life and heart. And then, of course, some of us are hermits!!

Since you asked, however, no, you don't need to be a hermit for this (though I personally find it a natural context for growth in contemplative life and mystical prayer), and while I think you could well be married, I personally believe it might be difficult to manage both loves at once. Again, this is a personal opinion; I am not sure about this since I know women religious who manage their community and ministerial commitments just fine, along with some significant friendships, even as they pursue the deepening of contemplative and mystical prayer lives. My one suggestion to you is that you find a good spiritual director with whom you can work regularly. S/he should be essentially contemplative and knowledgeable about working with contemplatives at various stages of prayer, especially if mystical experiences are a part of the directee's prayer life. At the very least, s/he should be open to accompanying someone in and through such stages and expressions of deepening contemplative prayer; this requires a specialized kind of experience and learning both in prayer and in spiritual direction. Remember that mystical prayer is, first and last, about one's relationship with the Mystery we know as God (in Christ); a director should be profoundly rooted in such a relationship herself (or himself).

If there is a Carmelite Monastery near you (or relatively near), you might check with them and see if any of their Sisters or Friars do spiritual direction. Of course, other congregations will be able to assist you in this matter as well; apostolic congregations tend to nurture contemplative prayer these days as well. What is true, however, is that not every person doing spiritual direction today will have either the experience or the education and training to accompany you if you are truly called to mystical prayer. (Note that each one of us is called to union with God which implies we are each made for mystical prayer; it is not, however, easily cultivated and/or a gift easily received.) You are looking for someone who can accompany you in direction for some period of time, and who can assist you in discerning the movements of the Spirit, but especially as these are evident in invitations to greater depth and intimacy with God. Such persons would be able to accompany you even if you discover you are not called to contemplative life or mystical prayer.

On the Need for Ongoing Spiritual Direction in Eremitical Life

[[Dear Sister, is it the case that over time hermits can need less and less to work with a spiritual director? I read that on another blog by a Catholic hermit under private vows. I wondered if you agreed with this? Would it be more true if the hermit was doing spiritual direction himself?]]

I think I have answered this question in the past (cf., Spiritual direction as accompaniment 2014 different title in original) but perhaps I can say something new about it here. My basic answer is that in my own estimation, no, it is not the case that we need spiritual direction less and less over time as we grow in our vocations. I believe this is a kind of temptation specific to those who are more or less "arrogant," ignorant of, or perhaps just complacent about their degree of spiritual maturity, or their "possession" of a given vocation. It also betrays a mistaken notion of living a vocation as ceasing to need ongoing formation which, while it differs in kind from initial formation it is still absolutely essential -- itself requiring good spiritual direction -- even if this direction is less frequent than formerly.

We cannot see where we have not grown, or rather perhaps, we cannot necessarily see where or how we are called to grow in a given situation. We may know in a general sense that we are called to holiness or union with God, or a better or deeper relationship with Jesus, but also not know how specifically such holiness, union, or relationship actually looks or how we take the next steps toward this, especially when we are speaking about a deepening of one's relationship with God in Christ and the personal work needed to be entirely open to this. In such a case, it is my experience that far from becoming less important and necessary for living one's vocation, it actually becomes more and more important that we are able to talk about it with someone skilled in spiritual direction who has a vital relationship with God and knows us well. 

In some ways it reminds me a bit of the kind of coaching or masterclasses required by a musician who truly takes her vocation as a musician -- an artist -- seriously.  We can always play the way we have played for many years, improving gradually simply by learning the music in front of us. In orchestra, for instance, that always stretches a musician to some extent, but when you watch a master musician working with someone, the experience is inspirational. One watches the master teacher bring out in that person places where they specifically can transcend their own levels of achievement and realize an almost unimagined potential within themselves (and within the music they have been playing almost routinely for many years). 

I have spoken before about a spiritual director as an accompanist and the special gifts and skills required in such a relationship. I noted that it was important that the director be a person of prayer and be under spiritual direction themselves. In other words, it is important that a spiritual director know herself well, know God in Christ well, and know the person she directs well. When all of these elements come together in spiritual direction the director can accompany her client in a way which allows for steps the directee would never have taken on her own. It will be because the director knows (in at least a general sense) and trusts the potential within her directee, and because she knows what God offers in terms of an ever-deepening relationship, and also because she knows the kinds of steps one needs to negotiate to grow in this way, because really, in good directors, all three of these will be true. But, as in work with a master musician, the spiritual director sees all of these elements in a way the directee well may not and assists her directee to take the steps needed to come to the abundant life God offers and wills for her.

Again, we truly cannot see ourselves well enough to achieve the growth and conversion God wills for us, nor, perhaps, do we know God (or allow God to know us) well-enough. We need people who have travelled the same road before us who also know us and our unique capacities, potentialities, and also the various obstacles to growth/conversion which are part of our personal "obstacles" to seeing and growing. Over time we may become complacent with the degree of growth or conversion that obtains without spiritual direction. This can happen because our directors are not particularly skilled or committed to their own growth-with-direction, because we cannot find a good director, because we fail to trust our directors (or to entrust ourselves to their wisdom and expertise when that is real), and it can certainly happen when we become comfortable in our own life, career, or vocation and treat that comfortableness as though we have "arrived" in some sense. With hermits it sometimes occurs because one mistakenly believes a director must also be a hermit or a mystic, or that they must experience the same kinds of exceptional things in prayer that we do (if, in fact, these do) --- which allows the hermit to dismiss the ways in which the director actually challenges and blesses or could challenge and bless them. In such cases the hermit will say they have no access to a good director and go it alone. 

You ask if it might be more likely that a hermit who is also a spiritual director would eventually not need to work with a spiritual director. In this too I would say no, it is actually less likely true precisely because such a hermit would know well the importance of accompaniment (and the danger of relative complacency, false humility, or "arrogance") in genuine ongoing conversion. One final note, there is a now-abandoned blog by someone calling themselves a consecrated Catholic hermit under private vows you might have read posts re the position you describe. Please know no one becomes a consecrated Catholic Hermit with private vows. They are a dedicated lay hermit, but neither consecrated nor a Catholic Hermit.

N.B., for a particular vivid illustration of the way a master teacher/coach can work with a skilled musician check out Zander Interpretations Class. (Benjamin Zander, Interpretations class, Gabriel Faure's Elegy for cello. Alan Todas Ambaras, cello) The initial presentation of the piece is wonderful and any cellist would be really pleased with it, but the work Zander does with the "student" (and too, the accompanist!) is truly inspiring, and startlingly transformational in several significant ways. 

Spiritual direction requires the same kind of depth of seeing or vision, confidence (especially in God and the person being directed), and capacity to accompany another in a way which draws the very best -- indeed, the most true and real -- from the musician (hermit), instrument (prayer or relationship with God), and the music itself (the life of God offered to and dwelling deep within the hermit coming to fulness of life in God). Zander notes that his power as a conductor is about empowering his musicians to play "well" (and here he means helping his players tap into the power, life, and truth within themselves); otherwise he is powerless to make music or bring the music to life -- for as a conductor he does not make a sound. So too the job of the spiritual director to help their client get in touch with the life of God within and around themselves. No one outgrows this need to be helped (accompanied) in this very special form of hearing, understanding, embracing, and expressing what one hears and understands with regard to oneself and the very Life of God.

[Benjamin Zander is a noted conductor and inspirational speaker, the founder and conductor of the Boston Philharmonic and the Boston Philharmonic Youth Orchestra. Zander began his career as a very gifted composer and cellist who studied with Gaspar Cassado.]