On Chosing Transparency

[[Dear Sister, it's me again! if someone wanted to live as a more physically hidden hermit than you do, maybe even as an anonymous hermit, would they be able to do that as a diocesan hermit? Would it be wrong to "out" them? I heard someone who is seeking canonical approval say they thought maybe they could do this to raise the falling standards of eremitic life. They said that would include being anonymous because that is a much more humble and hidden way of living the life. I wondered if that would be okay, partly because of what you have written about this vocation being a public one. Do people become hermits to show others how to do it? That just seems like a crazy idea to me --- not that someone shouldn't do their best, but become a hermit to show others how to live this vocation? Nope, that seems crazy to me.]]

Thanks for your questions. Canon 603 hermits write their own Rules of Life and in doing so they are the ones who define how they will live the elements of c 603. If a diocesan hermit wants to live a very strict hiddenness, if she believes this is what God is calling her to, she would make that clear in the Rule she submits for approval. The diocese would need to read and "vet" this Rule to see if it is truly liveable and consistent. If the life it describes seems unbalanced, for example, the formation team might ask the hermit to change that in some way; they will certainly pay attention to whether or not the person is capable of living a healthy eremitical life that is both in touch with, and capable of truly speaking to, the contemporary world. What you describe in the second part of your question is a known phenomenon with some folks entering religious life, but it doesn't really work there as a reason to enter, nor would it work with c 603.

Anyone who has been in religious life is apt to know someone who entered the community with the sense that they are going to change things. Usually, these are young adults "feeling their wheaties" (so to speak) after having been to college and/or graduate school and being stuffed full of new ideas on what community life should be and not be, how liturgy is to be celebrated, styles of leadership that are preferred, and any number of other things theological or spiritual. On the other hand, some may enter with the thought that they will single-handedly drag the community back to the "more traditional" way of life, their eyes fixed too exclusively on centuries past. 

Ordinarily, the candidate and then the novice (this happens especially during novitiate!!) comes to find out how little she has understood from the outside, how much she has to learn from those who have lived and sometimes struggled with the tension between contemporary life and tradition while listening deeply to the voice of God in the present, and how truly transparent a life of prayer requires one to be. Some of these folks make significant adjustments and do very well. Others find the learning curve too steep and leave after a relatively short time in formation because they lack the humility, flexibility, or docility the vocation requires. Should someone really try becoming a diocesan hermit to show others how to live as a "real hermit," I personally doubt any diocese would accept them, not least because the person would not be able to enter whole-heartedly into a substantive discernment/formation process. If anonymity is part of what they are trying to show others constitutes the "real hermit" way, the motive could be far removed from true humility!! Dioceses know how to look for motives and what drives the person to petition as they have.

You see, with c 603 life, the situation is somewhat different for at least three reasons: 1) the canon is not written in absolutes but, at least in certain ways, in relative terms (for instance, stricter separation from the world is not absolute separation from the world, nor does it refer first of all to the material world that is God's good creation); further, therefore, the terms of the canon don't usually have a single or univocal meaning, instead they embody not only differences but varying depths and degrees of meaning; 2) the vocation is a solitary one, not meant for a community of hermits; elements of the canon will be conditioned by the person's own history (and vice versa!), and 3) The Holy Spirit works with each hermit to inspire them in the way God wills. Since the hermit reveals the heart of the Church to the Church and the world, each hermit may do this in a different way to be effective. What is lifegiving and a means to genuine freedom for one hermit may not work well for another hermit. N.B., these points also provide the reasons the Church asks each diocesan hermit to write her own Rule of Life. At the same time they are implied in the church's position on c 603 vocations not being allowed to create a religious community of c 603 hermits while allowing them to come together in a laura that respects each hermit's own Rule of Life and individual eremitical path. 

The question regarding anonymity is one I have written about just lately so please check recent posts for more than I provide here. Yes, a diocesan hermit can remain hidden and very strictly so, however, if she should try to maintain a public presence of sorts (like I do with this blog), she will be required to provide a name and the diocese that professed and is responsible (or to whom she is accountable) for her hermit life. She is accountable not just to her diocesan leadership, but to the entire People of God for what she writes and says as a diocesan hermit -- so long as she claims publicly to be this. The choice is either to remain entirely hidden and anonymous or to claim one's identity fully and openly because this is a public vocation and folks touched by this life have a right to know who this supposed "Catholic Hermit" is. I'm not sure what you are imagining when you speak of "outing" someone, but I can imagine situations where someone is aware of the identity of a person who claims to be a Catholic Hermit and who might be obliged to provide at least the name of the hermit's Diocese so long as she is insisting on remaining anonymous. Of course, one would speak directly to the hermit before doing that!

As I have already noted then, this has to do with accountability for the vocation.  If one wishes to participate online, for instance, and does so while identifying herself as a consecrated Catholic Hermit, then she cannot remain anonymous. If one identifies oneself as a diocesan hermit, for instance, or desires to legitimately call oneself a Catholic Hermit, one is also obliged to identify oneself sufficiently to be accountable for the vocation and to the people to whom one is ministering because she ministers in the name of the Church. Anonymity and the public claiming of a consecrated ecclesial vocation cannot be exercised simultaneously. To the degree one makes such claims, one must be open about one's canonical identity.

 Speaking to parish at Mass during pandemic

There is a risk in this, of course, but those of us who maintain a public presence as diocesan hermits have weighed the costs and found them worthwhile in being true to our vocations,  to the Church who consecrated us, and the God who calls us to this life. For instance, five years ago a person writing under the Catholic Hermit designation (Joyful Hermit's profile and blog list) called my diocese and accused me of crimes. Her call was handed around to several people who neither knew me nor knew of me and then, she apparently received a return call informing her that I was indeed a diocesan hermit in good standing and if she really felt she had a case against me, she should take me to court. (The diocese is not responsible for me in those terms,*** but I also believe they knew Joyful had no true grounds for legal action.)  

I first read about this situation (and more as you will see!) in one of Joyful's blog articles. Here is one place that occurred (I am not sure now if it was the first place I read this in Joyful's blog but it is a main one.) I apologize for the ugliness of the speculation in this citation. A link is provided in case there is a concern I have twisted what Joyful actually said, or quoted her incompletely or out of context.

But I have not met anyone as persistently evil. hateful, and miscreant as this one who by trickery got me to email her over 16 years ago, and who since has been a nasty, derisive, and detracting, public voice ever since. We have so much not in common, sadly, but that could shift if not for the devils' influence, and a sickness of pride, presumption, and envy that has known no ceasing for over 16 years. No amount of prayers or various techniques offered to psychologically or spiritually get an alliance with her, for there is evil and hate in that person, a particular animus against me that has settled in the person. Her main beef seems my writing as a Catholic hermit, of which I am, of course. But she has a need to be superior, seems to resent competition of another Catholic hermit writing, or so say others who have observed this unChristian situation over the years.

But as had been my lived experience, Catholics tend not to stand up against such type of evil as they fear the devil to turn on them as well. Even her Vicar General who her Bishop's office (said they had never heard of her as a canonical hermit in their diocese!) did not want to intervene, not even find out who she is and guide her to not dox nor harass me using internet, given they are penal codes in her state. They suggested I take civil legal action against her.... So much for diocese hermits being directed and supervised by their bishops (or as she has added, by a "designee" and not needing to be a priest....

If not for the Catholic and hermit reality, I still think this person who represents so many Catholics, especially women, would continue the ugliness regardless, as long as I keep writing, for she uses what I write as her foil often enough, as her fodder to come up with a platform to "preach" and try to be "someone with status," thus her inventing precedents and giving herself impetus and note to what ought to be a hidden life of a hermit. So she puts me down publicly in order to try to build up what seems a spiritual emptiness, or a lack of inner security or healthy love of how God created her, or whatever issues going on--perhaps envy that I am heterosexual and have had a family, that I am educated with higher degrees, or that I'm a persecuted, suffering mystic and victim soul.  (Seeking Kind Catholics) 

Joyful (who has never met me personally, nor contacted me directly about her 16+ years' worth of concerns with me) is still telling that story about my diocese disavowing me, not only on her more recent blog (cf above link) but in her recent videos on Joyful Hermit Speaks, though without making clear the diocese's clarification that they do know me. (For example, Having Trouble, Moving On (cf, 20:51ff, but the whole video gives context.) Originally, it seems to me she wanted to call my credibility into question; most recently she has used the story to call into question the wisdom of c 603 and the fidelity of responsible bishops. I find (and, for a number of years, have found) the situation irritating, occasionally infuriating, and almost always deeply perplexing because of the groundless speculations that are thrown up as truth. At the same time, I have chosen to be present online in a transparent way and that means that, unfortunately, my diocese may occasionally get a phone call from someone like Joyful Hermit. That is the choice I made in identifying myself online as a Diocesan Hermit of and for the Diocese of Oakland, and as I look back at the past 17 years and the good that has come from them and as I move toward the anniversary of my consecration on 02. September, I would say that even in light of these kinds of personal attacks, my decision was a good one, and I am grateful to God for the way God has led me!

*** As noted before, on the day of her consecration (the day of her perpetual profession,) a diocesan hermit signs a waiver of liability so that should she leave the consecrated state she cannot sue the diocese for past wages, etc. As I have said before, I suppose that this waiver could also cover things like bail and fines, etc should a hermit get into legal trouble, but it is not primarily about that.

Looking Back and Ahead with Vocation Questions: What God Has Done and is Doing With My Life

This week I am looking back to a kind of summing up of who I am and why, and I am looking forward to the combined anniversaries of my birthday and my hermit consecration on Sept 1st and 2nd respectively. As a central piece of this, I spent time this last weekend answering questions about eremitical life, not from those who read and contribute their queries to this blog, but from Our Sunday Visitor's "Fall Vocations Guide". I was asked to do the section on the (solitary) canonical eremitical vocation. The editor who contacted me asked some really good questions, not only why and how I came to this vocation, but what I wanted people to know about it, what advice I might give to someone interested in the calling, what my days look like, and am I lonely?

The timing of this request was what my director and I call "sacrednicity", something I have shared here before. Not only was I given the chance to consider the whole of my life and the way God brought me to this vocation and supported my perseverance in it, but in saying directly what I wanted people to know about this calling I got in touch with why I am passionate about it, why, when someone misrepresents it or simply trash talks it without real understanding, it bothers me so much. Much more importantly though, I got freshly in touch with my sense of why God called me to this vocation and why I have chosen to write about c 603 even while some online characters treated this as an unhealthy obsession and advised me to write about "more spiritual things"!! 

The truth is, this supposed obsession, has been something of a vocation within a vocation; God called me to it, I think there is no doubt about that. It is part of the way my solitary eremitism benefits the Church, and part of the way I fulfill the commission extended to me at my consecration, namely, to carry on the ministry God has entrusted to me as a solitary hermit. Answering the questions this editor put to me got me in touch with all of this and I am grateful to God for that. I will continue to be grateful for this even if they don't use half of what I have written!! 

And, because it is highly unlikely they will be able to use even half of what I wrote, I am posting the questions and answers here, just as I might for any other questions I receive from readers. I sincerely hope you all will find the answers helpful or at least interesting in some way. I doubt regular readers will be surprised, but neither do I think I have written responses to these precise questions before.

1) What is a solitary canonical hermit? 

A hermit is, by definition, a desert dweller, one who lives a life of the silence of solitude and persevering prayer and penance in stricter withdrawal from the world (that is, that which is resistant to Christ) so that she might encounter and entrust herself entirely to the Love that is God. A solitary canonical hermit is one who has been entrusted with this vocation by the Church for the sake of others and their own encounter with God and the Gospel of God in Christ. The Church has discerned this vocation with her, professed and consecrated her, in the conviction that this call is not only the way she will mature and thrive as a human being, but also effectively proclaim the Gospel to others as she is now commissioned to do in the Church's name.

The solitary canonical (or diocesan) hermit makes public vows of the Evangelical Counsels, writes her own (liveable) Rule of Life rooted in her lived experience and understanding of c 603, and lives this life under the supervision of her bishop and/or the delegate she selects to help accompany her in this journey.

2) What led me to become a solitary canonical hermit?

First, I am a convert to Catholicism and was baptized the Summer after high school graduation. I began working with the Sisters of Social Service at the same time and felt called to religious life. I entered the Franciscans where, though I had expected to teach, I became a phlebotomist in a clinical lab. Unfortunately, despite this background and later undergraduate and graduate education in systematic theology, I was required to leave religious life and was unable to teach as I had been prepared to do because I developed an adult-onset seizure disorder that proved both medically and surgically intractable. This was complicated by a diagnosis of Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. In early 1984, not too long after beginning to work with my current spiritual director I read c 603 in the newly Revised Code of Canon Law and had the deep sense that perhaps this could provide a context that would make sense of my entire life, both gifts and limitations.  As Paul writes to the Colossians, I had the sense that in Christ via this way of life and canon 603, everything, including chronic illness and disability which are themselves desert experiences --- could cohere or hold together in a meaningful way! 

But of course, that sense was not yet a well-discerned vocation! I began living as a hermit, studying about it, and eventually even discovered it was driving my writing (e.g., an article for Review for Religious on "Chronic Illness and Disability as Vocation” ---  and potentially an Eremitical Vocation) I petitioned my diocese to be professed under c 603, but, after several years meeting with the Vicar for Religious, it turned out that the current bishop, like many bishops in the country and world, had decided not to profess anyone under c 603 for the foreseeable future. It was too new, too little understood, and often seen as not a genuine vocation anyway. And yet, it was the means to a profoundly coherent and meaningful life for me!

And so, I decided to continue living as a non-canonical or lay hermit. It was the way of life in which my vows were reshaped with a new vitality and poignancy, my experience of celibacy matured into a nuptial relationship with Christ, my contemplative prayer life deepened, and, despite still being non-canonical, I began to perceive c 603 as incredibly beautiful and valuable in the way it combined essential elements and the hermit's experience and freedom to shape the life according to the way God worked in her life. This combination of non-negotiable elements and inspired flexibility allowed the canon to define an eremitical life that avoids the pitfalls of individualism and made it a supremely countercultural vocation that can speak profoundly to our contemporary world. Given my background in theology as well as my own disability and insight into that as a desert vocation, I came to realize I had something to offer the Church in terms of solitary eremitical life lived under this canon. Thus, before the bishop retired in 2003, I renewed my petition to be admitted to profession. Four years later and after Bishop Allen Vigneron had replaced Bp John Cummins, on September 2, 2007 I was admitted to perpetual profession and consecration as a diocesan hermit. From the day I knocked on the chancery door, so to speak, until the day I was consecrated took 23 years. I was 35 or 36 when I began this journey and 58 when I was consecrated. And yet, the adventure was just beginning. 

The last 17 years have been marked by continuing growth, intense inner work, a spiritual direction practice, life in a parish community as a pastoral assistant who led Communion services in the absence of a priest and still teaches Scripture, a small but gradually more influential blog dedicated to exploring c 603 life, the deepening of all of the insights that led me to this vocation in the first place, and the development of a process of discernment and formation designed for candidates and their diocesan formation teams to assist them to understand, appreciate, and implement c 603 wisely and effectively. At every point my life with God has deepened, my sense that this is the way he has called me to become fully human (our fundamental vocation!) and to proclaim the Gospel has been reaffirmed. There was no one point when I knew this was my vocation; instead, there have been many of them.

3) What do I want people most to know about this vocation?

I suppose I want people to know that this is a genuine, public and ecclesial, vocation and is motivated by love, not by escapism, hatred for God's good creation, or isolation and alienation. I would like them to know that stereotypes, misanthropes, and nut-cases need not apply to any diocese for admission to this vocation (though some persons with some forms of mental illness might do well in it).  I want people to understand (and I especially want bishops to understand this!) that solitary eremitical life is a gift of God to the Church and world; it is both deeply conservative and radically charismatic, and is not to be used as a stopgap means to profess some problem child without such a vocation. I especially want these same people to know that this vocation says to the marginalized, to the chronically ill, the disabled, and otherwise isolated, that eremitical solitude represents the redemption of isolation and alienation. Eremitical solitude is about being alone with God for God's sake, for the sake of one's own wholeness, and for the sake of others --- in a way that gives hope and promises a full and meaningful life --- so long as one is truly called to this!!

4) What does your day look like?

Each day is mainly divided into three parts with a period of quiet (contemplative) prayer in the morning and evening, and often one in the middle of the night as well. Those periods tend to be accompanied by some lectio and some writing.

Mornings, from rising at 4:00 or 5:00 to about 11:00 am also involves a period of vigil, journaling, morning prayer and either the daily Scriptures and Communion, or daily Mass. Occasionally (@ every other week) I will meet with a client in the late morning. Thursdays I teach Scripture.

Afternoons (from @ 1:00 pm and after lunch) are given over to different activities including household chores or shopping, clients, appointments outside the hermitage, study or writing, and sometimes additional sleep. This is the most variable and flexible part of my day when I catch up on what is most needed.

Evenings (after dinner) include a brief walk or some in-home exercise, evening prayer, study, class prep, or writing (including blogging), an occasional client or quiet prayer, and night prayer.

Nights: Bed at @10:15 or 11:00. Often, I am up in the middle of the night because of pain. I may spend time doing some chores and will do a shorter period of quiet prayer before returning to bed.

5) How often do I interact with people? Am I lonely?

I see people every Sunday for Mass, and I teach Scripture every Thursday morning via ZOOM so that too involves interaction. I meet for spiritual direction most Fridays, a very profound form of interaction, and I tend to meet with several of my own clients (also via ZOOM) once every couple of weeks or once a month. I meet with one client weekly and often get together with a small group of parish daily Mass participants for coffee on Friday mornings. I also get together with fellow diocesan hermits for book discussions or other conversations and consultations about once a month or so. Generally, that is about it.

Am I lonely? I have heard folks say or write hermits are never lonely, and there is a sense in which that is true since God is always present and so are those to whom one is linked in God by bonds of love. But loneliness is also something we experience because we are called to share our lives and in this sense, yes, I am sometimes lonely. I may read something I would love someone to hear, or experience something in prayer I long to share. I may desire a closer relationship with God or need God's comfort or assistance, or I might want the same from a friend. I think that too is called loneliness. I used to say I don't feel a malignant kind of loneliness where every tendril of what one feels seeps into and distorts everything else with its emptiness, darkness, and fear. In the main, except during occasions of deep inner work, I never feel that kind of loneliness, but the loneliness that says I am made for the fullness of love, for both giving and receiving love, yes, that kind of loneliness I feel often.

6) Was figuring out finances and health insurance difficult?  

Dioceses do not materially support diocesan hermits in any way, and it is important for people to realize that. For most hermits, these are truly fraught issues, but they have not been in my situation. Because I am disabled, I qualify for both financial assistance and (Medicaid) health insurance. I also have qualified for Section 8 housing assistance. Some things remain problematic. What to do about final expenses? Because I receive assistance, I cannot save up sufficiently to take care of something like that. (I receive about $1200 a month, and as soon as I save more than $2000 (no matter if I save it out of the money I qualify for or not), it must be paid back dollar per dollar to the government (or simply spent down below the $2000 limit) since, I was told, this ability to save suggests I don't really need the money I have not spent!) Similarly, I tend not to be able to pay for an annual retreat or programs that would enrich my spiritual life, and I find that difficult. Even so, no, I have not had the same financial difficulties most c 603 hermits have. 

7) How would I describe the central purpose or mission of the canonical hermit in the Church and in the world?

Some of this has been captured in the section on what I want others to know about this vocation, I think. Still, it seems to me that the mission of the c 603 hermit is to remind us all that we are completed and made whole and holy by God. We are incomplete without God and our lives will not be truly human unless we are in a vital relationship with God --- and when we are, well, WATCH OUT, for then life and meaning will explode within us and everyone will know it!

Part of this message is the witness we give to the possibility of every person living joyful and fruitful lives despite all of the various forms of poverty we also know well. Hermits do not go out much to proclaim the Gospel as do apostolic Religious; instead, we are called into the hermitage to become the very message we witness to and proclaim. Some like to say the hermit lives in the heart of the Church; I have begun to say the hermit reveals the Church's heart to both the Church and the world.

8) What advice do you have for those considering this vocation?

First, I would remind them that the church considers this a second half of life vocation. If one is a young adult, I would encourage them to consider entering an eremitical community where they can get the education and religious and personal formation necessary for this life. Secondly, I would remind them not to expect a diocese to make one into a hermit. Only God with our cooperation, the accompaniment of a good spiritual director, and perhaps some mentoring from another hermit can do that.  If this does not discourage you but you find yourself intrigued and even excited by the image of c 603 life I have drawn here, then find a good spiritual director and begin doing all you can to learn about and experiment with life with God in the silence of solitude! Pray, read, study, consult, and do it all again and again (cf the accompanying picture!)!  If you are chronically ill or disabled, remember that not all dioceses will accept you for consecration or even a mutual discernment process; many still need to learn that illness itself is a desert experience that can sometimes predispose one to an eremitic vocation. If this is you, I encourage you to try and keep trying so long as you thrive in an eremitical setting. In time you may educate your diocese on this unique desert call. Many c 603 hermits today live with chronic illness and disability. As a result, they witness with a special vividness to the power, peace, and good news of God’s love lived in the silence of solitude.

Dealing With Chronic Illness as a Hermit

Because a couple of people have already asked about this because of my last post, I am reprising it now. 

[[Dear Sister, you have written you have chronic illness with chronic pain. I was wondering if that gets in the way of living of living eremitical life. For example, if you have a bad spell or relapse or something what happens to your Rule? Have you ever had to deal with long-term hospitalization or surgical rehabilitation? Did that change the way you prayed?. . . Do you ever feel like a failure as a hermit or contemplative?. . . Do you ever worry that God will not be able to put up with your weaknesses or failures (or falling short)? . . . I wonder if you would ever consider seeking dispensation of your vows for any of these reasons.]]

Interesting questions. I think I have answered something like this before but I looked for it and couldn't find it. You might want to check through the list of posts (under months and years) or the labels to the right and see if you can do better. Still, let me answer this briefly. Neither illness nor the chronic pain get in the way of my eremitical life per se. Both have led me over time to consider chronic illness as a potential vocation with eremitical life as a specific instance of this. (Remember that eremitical life is a desert life with a desert spirituality and chronic illness is, by definition, a desert experience.) However, there are certainly times when there are flares of illness and when pain is more difficult to control than other times. When this is the case my horarium changes, I spend more time in bed, I am unable to do some of the limited ministry I usually undertake, I tend not to study or sing as much, and my reading choices change. What does not change is my approach to the day as one sanctified by God through prayer at intervals throughout the day, some lectio divina, and some inner work via journaling or other writing.

While morally and canonically binding, my Rule is written more in terms of gospel and less in those of law. What I mean by this is that it lays out the ways I live the Gospel of Jesus Christ as the source and ground of life, love, and meaning for me, and it does this less than it spells out things I must or must not do. It defines what makes my life healthy and whole as a contemplative and eremitical life. But in times where I am not well or where chronic illness flares up especially, I will not be able to live this without modifications. Yes, at these times the ways in which I pray will likely differ in one way and another. For instance, rather than praying the whole of any hour of the Office I am more apt to pray a single psalm with antiphons, the Lord's Prayer and a canticle, but slowly while letting myself rest in God's hands. If I miss an hour I miss an hour. When I am awake or up again I pick up what seems most important to me --- the part that draws me most, for instance or the piece missed where I am most truly at home. Sometimes I will substitute a hymn on CD or a Taize chant for structured prayer/Office and just give myself over to the music. If I miss lots of prayer periods (and unfortunately this is sometimes unavoidable), I trust that "God gives to his beloved in sleep" (Psalm 127:2) and pick up wherever I can with whatever I most need once I am awake (whether prayer, food, water, shower, sunshine, contact with my director, etc). I think during times of flareups or extra difficulties it is critically important to keep in mind the difference between "praying all the prayers" and "praying always."

My Rule is helpful in letting me move back into various rhythms of the day as I can, but even more it is helpful in reminding me of the vision I seek to live whether well or ill, namely, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." I know that God is with me in every circumstance including sin and death! God accompanies me whether I am conscious of that or  capable of cooperating with him or not. So long as that is the case every moment of my life, from chronic pain, to intractable seizures and post ictal sleep, to the emotional pain and joy of inner work, to the favorite or latest Chaim Potok or Anne Perry book, can become a prayer and a source of growth in holiness. Again, prayer is the work of God within us. As for God giving up on me or some other absurd notion that somehow or other I could exhaust his patience, love, mercy, or will to accompany me well, that's the same as suggesting that my weakness might be too much for God to be the God Christ revealed! Whenever I am even tempted to give up on God in this way (not something that has happened often!), I remind myself of the following from Paul, [[ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.]] (Rom 5:8) In other words, when we are at our worst God loves us and gives his very life for us.

I don't feel (and have never felt) like a failure as a hermit or contemplative but I (like anyone else I imagine) always fall short in the sense that I can always grow in my vocation/authentic humanity and prayer. Again, my Rule (and the God and Gospel that inspires it) envisions and helps empower my growth in this vocation and in communion with God and love of myself and others. Sometimes I will fail at a given task (for instance, a reflection I am supposed to give, inability to meet with a client and need to postpone sessions, etc), and sometimes I will resist what is happening in prayer or the personal formation work I am doing, but while I find these failures frustrating, this is not the same as failing as either a contemplative or a hermit. When physical pain is a problem I treat it in the ways I can (medicine, TENS, exercise, meditation) and I do what I need to do while meds are kicking in (online scrabble, coloring or painting, walking around, . . ., reading an engrossing novel, etc***) --- things which are engrossing and distract from the pain while ensuring I give the meds a complete chance to work as they usually do. I ordinarily cannot sit in quiet prayer at these times because I really cannot be physically still in the way that requires. Even so, whatever I do to get through these periods, I pray and entrust myself to God's care as I wait. 

There are periods when illness dominates (and yes, I have had periods of hospitalization that extended for weeks or even several months at a time including a period of (7) experimental neurosurgical interventions --- this latter [took place] about 8 years before I became a hermit). On the whole, the essential elements of my Rule remain in some form or configuration. Were I to be unable to live major dimensions of my Rule for a significant period I would need to redact these to account for necessary changes while ensuring it remains an eremitical Rule with the same vision of such a life. (Since my Rule is drawn from my own experience it could change on the basis of my own experience --- though my vision of the nature and importance of eremitical life according to canon 603 is very unlikely to change radically; I just can't see that happening, especially because of illness/pain.)

Dispensation of vows would be unlikely to come up as an issue or option, and certainly is not something I can see myself requesting! (More likely the question of a change of vocation would come up at the beginning of a hermit's professed life, especially if there is a radical change in circumstances occurring before they have developed the heart and prayer life of a hermit.) Once these are formed, however, and the hermit has been admitted to perpetual profession and consecration, dispensation is much less likely to be something that will be considered because of illness. It is possible, however, that significant illness can reveal an eremitical life that is inadequately formed and rooted in the first place. Suffering is a wonderful test of the foundation of our lives and spirituality! At this point in my life, however, I am a hermit; it is a matter of my deepest inner truth as well as outer expression and even canonical standing; this means that I have and will always live illness and pain as challenging but integral parts of eremitical life. I think all the hermits I know, but especially those with chronic illnesses, feel essentially the same way about this.

*** (Note: this past year (2023-24 I have been experimenting with a Kailo (TM) patch a parishioner gave me. It has been very effective for some neuropathic pain and I have been able to reduce some meds by at least 50%! This means I can do quiet prayer more easily while up from pain.)

Sister Laurel, Whom Does it Hurt? (Reprise)

I am reprising this because it is a post people have looked at a number of times during the course of this week. Since there is apparent interest, I am moving it to the " top of the queue," so to speak. 

[[Dear Sister Laurel, why does it bother you so much if someone who is Catholic wants to live like a hermit and is not consecrated by the Church wants to call themselves a Catholic Hermit? I'm sure some people don't know that the term is a technical one or that canon law applies to the use of the term Catholic in this sort of thing. And so what? Why not let people just do as they wish? Who does it hurt anyway? I think you are hung up on this and need to let it go --- after all, really what does it matter in the grand scheme of things except for those who, like you, seem to be hung up on minutiae? (I'm betting you won't post this question but thanks for answering it if you do!)]]

Thanks for your questions. Almost everything I write about on this blog, whether it has to do with the commitments made by the hermit, the canon(s) governing her life, approaches to writing a Rule of Life, the rights, obligations, and expectations associated with her vocation, the nature and significance of ecclesial vocations like this one, the nature of authentic humanity and the witness value of the hermit's life, the hope she is called to mediate to those who live lives marginalized by chronic illness and disability, the discernment and formation associated with the vocation, or the importance of elders and mentors in her life (and other topics) --- all of this speaks either explicitly or implicitly to the meaning and importance of the much more than technical term Catholic Hermit. That said, some posts will deal with your questions as central to understanding this specific eremitical vocation. These will most often be found under the labels:  ecclesial vocation(s),  silence of solitude as charism,  and rights and obligations of canon 603 vocations (and variations thereof). Since I cannot reprise everything written in the past 14 years of blogging on these topics, I would suggest you read or reread some of those posts.

Let me point out that it may well be that in our country and even in our world today the truth doesn't much matter and individualism is the way of life most value. Similarly, it may well be that liberty has edged out genuine freedom in such a world and generosity been supplanted by a "me first", "win at any cost" philosophy and corresponding set of values. Similarly, our world seems to have forgotten that what some decry as "socialism" today was identified in the New Testament's Acts of the Apostles as the only true shape of  community in the new Family (or Kingdom) of God in Christ.  (cf Acts 2:44-45) Christianity has never truly been the most popular or pervasive way of living in our world --- even when most folks went by the name "Christian"; still, Christianity is built on truth and this truth leads to a responsible freedom marked by generosity and humble (lovingly truthful) service to others. Countercultural as that may be the place which stands right at the point of sharpest conflict with the values of the contemporary world is the life of the canonical (consecrated) hermit.

The hermit's life is both most easily misunderstood and most easily distorted in living. The freedom of the hermit can slide into a selfish libertinism, its individuality can devolve into a "me first" individualism, and its lack of an active apostolic ministry can be mistaken quite easily for selfishness and a refusal to serve others. Those who neither understand the nature of the life, nor the Church's role in ensuring that these distortions do not occur will ask the kinds of questions you pose in your query. They are not the folks I generally write about -- though their ignorance of this calling can be problematical.  Others who are equally ignorant of the distinctions which stand between world and Kingdom of God will valorize their own selfish individualism with the name "hermit" and some of these will, even when initial ignorance has been corrected, insist on calling themselves "Catholic Hermits" despite never having been called by the Church to live this life in her name, and despite being unprepared and sometimes unwilling to accept the rights and obligations incumbent upon someone petitioning the Church for admission to public profession and consecration. It is these I call counterfeit or even fraudulent for they have taken ignorance and raised it to the level of lie.

Whom Does it Hurt?

Whom does it hurt? First of all it hurts the vocation itself. There is no more stark example of the truth of the way God relates to human beings than when a hermit stands face to face with God in the solitude of her cell and praises God for her life, her call to holiness, the challenge to love ever more deeply, and consents to be a witness to a God who desires to be everything for us because (he) values us beyond all imagining. It is even more striking because she says this is true no matter how poor, how broken or wounded, how sinful or shamed, and how seemingly unproductive her life is in a world marked by consumerism and an exaggerated focus on productivity --- a world which very much values the opposite of all of these and considers the hermit to be "nothing" and "a waste of skin". In Christ, the hermit stands before God consenting to be the imago dei she was made to be, entirely transparent to God's truth, beauty, and love and says with her life that this is the common call of every person. Quite a precious witness!

For someone to call themselves a Catholic Hermit when the Church herself has not discerned or admitted her to a public eremitical commitment is to strip away the humble commitment to the truth which is meant to be part of the vocation's foundation and to insert self-definition and self-centeredness in its place. Those who look to this person as an example of the Church's vision of eremitical life may find  that rather than a "Catholic Hermit" they are faced instead with the validation of  many of the same distortions and stereotypes plaguing eremitical life throughout the centuries. 

What they will not find is a person who humbly accepts her poverty before God insofar as this means accepting the vocation to which one is truly called. Lay eremitical life is profoundly meaningful and important in the life of the church; it should be honestly embraced in that way. A secondary result can be that the Church herself (in individual dioceses) will refuse to consider professing diocesan hermits at all; the vocation is a rare one with, relatively speaking, very few authentic examples; fraudulent "hermits" who represent distortions, stereotypes, and caricatures (as well as sometimes being nutcases and liars) unfortunately can serve to cast doubt on the entire vocation leading to dioceses refusing to give those seeking profession any real hearing at all.

Secondly, it hurts those who most need the witness of this specific vocation, namely those who for whatever reason find themselves unable to compete with the world on its own terms: the chronically ill, disabled, and otherwise marginalized who may believe the world's hype that wealth is measured in terms of goods and social status, able-bodiedness, youth, productivity, and so forth.  Hermits say to these people that they are valued beyond all reckoning by a God who knows them inside out. Hermits say to these people that real wealth is measured in terms of love and that one of the most precious symbols of Christianity is that of treasure contained in clay pots, while real strength is perfected and most fully revealed in weakness. To attempt to witness to the truth of the Gospel by living a lie and building it into the foundation of one's eremitical life destroys the capacity of the hermit to witness effectively to these truths. To proclaim the fundamental truth that in Christianity real treasure is contained in clay pots is made impossible if one refuses to be the pot one has been made by the potter to be (a lay hermit, for instance) but claims instead to be something else (e.g., a consecrated Catholic Hermit).

Thirdly, it hurts the one doing the lying or misrepresentation, especially if she actually comes to believe her own lies. In this way her capacity for truth, humility, generosity, and gratitude are all equally injured --- and thus too, her own authenticity as a human being. We cannot image God as we are called if we cannot accept ourselves or the vocation to which he calls us. And finally, it hurts the Church herself who is responsible for all that goes on "in her name" and for commissioning those who live eremitical life in this way.

As part of this injury to the Church, it may hurt anyone who is influenced by the fraudulent "Catholic Hermit" in her lies and misrepresentations. Sometimes this happens because the person follows the directions the counterfeit gives to "become a Catholic Hermit" and then, after spending time following this advice and building hopes on a false dream or pathway to realize their dream, is confronted by one's parish or diocese with the truth of the matter. Terrible damage can be done in this way just as it is done to those who are scandalized by the disedifying example of "hermits" who embody all the worst stereotypes associated with eremitical life, whether canonical or non-canonical. Unfortunately, the individual fraudulent "Catholic Hermit" is ordinarily not held nearly as responsible as the Church is in such cases so the damage or injury can be far-reaching and relatively ungovernable.

Summary:

I am bothered by all of this because I see the value in eremitical life, most particularly as it stands as a witness against the distorted notions of humanity and community so prevalent in today's world. I am bothered by this because I am committed to live this vocation well for the sake of others,  but especially for the sake of God and God's Church who is the steward of this vocation. I care so much because I have come to know how important this vocation is --- especially as a countercultural witness to the nature of authentic human existence and all the things the world puts up as values today. Finally, I care because God has called me to care, and to embody this caring in my own living, witnessing, teaching, mentoring, direction, and prayer. I care because the truth matters and because God and God's Church care even as they commissioned me to do so as well. 

You may consider this a personal "hang up" of mine. That's not a problem and you are free to your opinion, but if you wish me to "let it go," I would note that I am responding to your questions here, and your questions prompt me to think about and even research it further --- not the best way to get me to let go of something! You also used the term minutia, and I would ask you to consider what portions of my response deal with minutia; I don't see anything in all of this that is not significant in many ways for many, many, people and the witness of the Church as a whole. My answer to the question, [[Whom does it hurt?]] would have to be anyone such dishonesty or fraud touches, even if they are not aware of it at the time. The Church is to minister truly and to assist others to live the truth of their deepest selves in Christ. That is made much more difficult when fraud and dishonesty are enacted or purported to be enacted in the name of that same Church. In a world hungry for truth, no one, I would argue, is untouched by this.

On the Establishment of Virtual Lavras (Lauras):

I've spoken of this in the past briefly (in May 2021 and again in 2023), and it is more strongly on my mind these days because of increased communications with other diocesan hermits. One of the ways dioceses have demonstrated a distrust for solitary eremitical vocations, and also a way they demonstrate key knowledge of something that is vital to authentic eremitical vocations is by turning to the concept of the laura or lavra. Lauras are colonies of hermits that do not rise to the level of juridical communities and provide personal support for solitary eremitical vocations. DICLSAL makes it clear that c 603 hermits can indeed join together in lauras for mutual support so long as they do not try to create a juridical community in this way or (it is implied) become a house of formation for diocesan hermits. Even so, some dioceses have formed lauras and made belonging to the laura a requirement for anyone seeking to be consecrated as a diocesan hermit. Unfortunately, this is contrary to the spirit, and in some ways (bearing what DICLSAL has written to clarify matters), the letter of c 603.

For a while now I have been thinking about how dioceses could foster the idea of lauras without creating physical hermitages where all c 603 hermits would be expected to go. In some ways this has not been difficult since most dioceses have no c 603 hermits anyway, and those who do tend to have only one or two at the most. Those with more tend to be real exceptions and often have made significant errors in at least one or two of the vocations they have professed! Hermits tend to live a unique kind of loneliness because we are rarely understood in our own neighborhood (yes, something we share with Jesus and the prophets!), and at the same time, for this and other reasons, we really do require the support of persons who truly understand what we have been called to and the nature of both the public and ecclesial demands it makes upon us. A laura would help solve this problem, but it would need to be a laura that required each hermit to write and live her own Rule, take care of her own expenses, find her own employment, become a vital (life-giving) part of a parish faith community -- in whatever way the individual hermit determines is appropriate --- and things like this. There would be no common purse, no common Rule, no superior, or common horarium, no common habit, no restrictions on employment or ministry contravening what is included in the individual hermit's approved Rule, and so forth. The laura is there to support solitary c 603 hermits, not to transform them into semi-eremites or to relieve the diocese from the task of discerning and assisting in the formation of such hermits' vocations.

even a virtual hug!!!

So, what could possibly allow a laura like that to come to be, particularly when, in the United States, for instance, there are only @ 100 or so canonical hermits within 196 dioceses?  What could allow deep bonds and friendships to form, and the discussion of mutual concerns and commitments -- including a commitment to "going deeper" into this vocation with other diocesan hermits who have determined to learn and share together (and possibly even to come together sometimes to worship and/or share a meal) --- all while avoiding the problems and pitfalls of a single laura with a physical campus located in a single diocese? The answer was given to us by the pandemic! It is the way many of us sometimes see our doctors these days, the way some must attend Mass or prayer services. It is the way I meet with clients and do spiritual direction. It is even the way some c 603 hermits now meet with diocesan formation teams and candidates for consecration, to assist in a solid discernment and formation process without requiring the creation of a hermit house of formation! Simply stated, it is VIRTUAL!!! (Yes, I know, obvious, isn't it?)

Recently, I mentioned coming together with other diocesan hermits to talk about a book we are reading together (right now that title is, The Eremitic Life by Cornelius Wencel, Er Cam). It is not a high-powered book discussion group (though the book mentioned is very significant and powerful regarding eremitical life!!). The way we proceed is that we each read the same text ahead of time and come together to share what it has meant to us. Maybe we'll share how it challenges us, causes concerns, or how it consoles and inspires us specifically as diocesan hermits. In this case, we have all read the entire book (maybe more than once!), so the chosen text is a jumping-off point and the conversations can be far-ranging. For me personally, it has been truly wonderful and incredibly enriching!! To have several (or even just 1 or 2) other hermits "out there," who pray for and with you, who know precisely what you are experiencing and what makes you tick because the same things make them tick, is an incredible gift of God! While a couple of us c 603 hermits began the Network for Diocesan Hermits @16 years ago, this idea of a virtual laura is different with very different dynamics despite perhaps meeting some of the same needs. 

Our little discussion group is very small and though we may get a bit larger (perhaps with 1 or 2 more hermits), we will keep it small. Right now, we are hermits from different ends of the US and from England so the hours we meet are early morning for some, mid-afternoon for others, and 2nd half of the morning for the rest -- so far! We have chosen to meet approximately monthly for @1.5 to 2.0 hours per meeting (depending on individual needs and energy levels); for now, that seems about right -- though we might also see each other at other points during the month for other reasons. At this point, of course, we do not consider ourselves a laura --- though in a few months, I suspect the term "intentional community" might fit who we have become for and with one another; we'll see how this grows, but it gives me a glimpse of what might be possible for us and for other diocesan hermits as well; it also suggests a return c 603 hermits might be able to make to the church that has entrusted this vocation to us. 

If this idea is intriguing to you, or if you are interested in finding ways to make it real for yourself, please let me know! Mainly I would like to hear how it goes for you, and if there is a way I could assist, then I offer that. Non-canonical hermits might want to consider this as a solution to their own relative lack of ecclesiastical support and their own form of "eremitical loneliness", for instance. (Non-canonical and canonical hermits could choose to join together in their own intimate intentional communities; authentic hermits really are that rare!) I have only begun to consider the possibilities and potential ways of nurturing this idea even if it grows entirely separately from the small group we have already begun (I have no desire to somehow wreck that nascent and providential community and its growth!), so having others chime in would be terrific! Thanks!

Continuing Questions re: Misconceptions and Misconstruals

[[Sister Laurel, apologies, but it has taken me a while to decide what I really wanted to ask after locating your blog. (I came to it through Joyful Hermit Speaks videos and references to you and OSV.) [cf. Hermit's Rant of Temporal Upsets, see 28:40 passim] How long has c 603 existed, and how long have you been perpetually professed or consecrated and writing a blog? Joyful speaks of you creating all kinds of precedents for c 603 hermits and lists a number of things that now happen "since you began your blog" or maybe were professed in the last 17 years, I guess because of your great influence with bishops! But it all seemed a little bit off because I thought c 603 was a lot older than that. Do you really have the kind of influence she claims you have? The one other question I have is about hiddenness and why you can have a public presence when c 603 requires hiddenness and anonymity of c 603 hermits.]]

I've responded to some of this before in, Clarifying Misconceptions and Untruths, so you might want to check that out. The simple answer is no, of course not, my influence is relatively minuscule if it even reaches that level!! The accusation that I have almost single-handedly influenced the implementation of c 603 by every bishop in the world makes me laugh. My sense is that often even English-speaking bishops and their staff from the dioceses I have worked with in assisting with their implementation of the canon, have not read my blog! As I noted in the linked piece, this is a small, niche-type blog and it gets an average of only @ 150 visits per day presently (usually fewer). Yes, folks interested in c 603, or who are seeking to become c 603 hermits, some canonists and other diocesan staff do read this blog and tender questions, and yes, as mentioned, I do work with some candidates for c 603 profession; I assist them with discernment and formation using the elements of c 603 focusing on the lengthy and really creative process of preparing to write and writing a liveable Rule of Life. This process is a key for the candidate's formation as well as in the education of dioceses and their own formation teams with regard to c 603.

In the past 19 years (and more), I have certainly learned a lot about c 603 and been led by God through c 603 to understand eremitical life more profoundly than I did when I wrote my second Rule for perpetual profession in 2007. I have achieved some authority, yes, and I am trying to share what I have learned with the Church, but the picture drawn by JHS of my single-handed destruction of the traditional hermit vocation and my supposed extensive influence on bishops and dioceses worldwide is, I think, simply delusional. Here your question is a really good one for reality-testing. Canon 603 was promulgated in 1983 and I applied to be professed within the next couple of years. However, that process took some time (after using the canon once, my first bishop had decided not to profess anyone under c 603 for the foreseeable future); thus, I did not begin a blog or make perpetual profession and consecration until 2007 (May and September respectively) under a new bishop! That means for 24 years c 603 was being implemented all over the world, and customs were being developed, especially by groups of bishops from various countries, without any influence from me (except for my prayer, I suppose)! 

All of this included the wearing of habits and taking of religious names, the celebration of perpetual professions (and sometimes temporary professions) at Mass and other things JHS lays at my door. The Handbook on Canons 573-746 made it very clear that canon 603 now meant that those so professed were considered religious despite not having a connection with a religious congregation or institute. This was an important shift in thought and practice (and, of course, it had nothing to do with me!). (cf On the Meaning of Institutes and More.) Even before that CICLSAL opined that the wearing of a habit and adoption of a religious name were appropriate for a c 603 hermit if the bishop decided to allow it.

Regarding the hiddenness of the hermit, several recent posts might help you with that, but one thing I will point out is the place JHS is completely mistaken, namely, c 603 which is normative of how the hermit lives this life, does not mention hiddenness. It especially does not mention anonymity, much less does it require this.  In general, consecrated eremitical life is hidden, and at the same time it is public and ecclesial which means there is a tension between these two elements. The hiddenness of the life is referred to in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, but anonymity is never mentioned there either. To make anonymity normative is a significant error, not least because it draws attention primarily to externals. Hiddenness, however, is something c 603 hermits should and do embrace as they undertake that inner journey characteristic of eremitical life. I find that one of the most illustrative texts on this kind of hiddenness includes the following:

[[. . .let us reflect on the fact that Nazareth is the deep, mysterious hiddenness of our identity and vocation. It is the life we live with God alone and which, no matter how public our lives, God alone knows and shares with us. . . It is the call to sink into the depths of the mystery of the hidden life of Jesus, the life he shared with God to which John's gospel so movingly alludes. . . .The spiritual path of Charles de Foucauld was modeled on the hidden life of Jesus of Nazareth, a way of constant abandonment to the love of God, whether in the silence of desert spaces or in the midst of others. . . . Nazareth is the place of our hidden, secret life, the veiled life known to God alone. It is a life so deep that there are aspects of it that, if not hidden from, are at least mysterious even to ourselves.]] Hidden in God, Bonnie Thurston 

Note how the focus of this hiddenness has to do with the depths of oneself and one's relationship with God.  Charles de Foucauld identified three spaces we might live in: 1) Nazareth, 2) the Desert, and 3) in the midst of others (sometimes referred to as the City). As noted above, hiddenness is about a formative dynamic or relationship deep within us, a profound and mysterious dimension defined in terms of our relationship with God alone. Externals are not unimportant for the hermit, of course; they contribute to our ability to truly attend to this dimension of Mystery, but what is critical, especially to a hermit is this "inner Nazareth." As I have written before, hermits are generally not called to absolutize elements of the canon like the silence of solitude, stricter separation from the world, or the (external) hiddenness that derives from them. Most hermits are not called to reclusion, and more importantly, charity and the demands of personal growth will affect the way we can and must live these elements. Still, they are meant to serve this more intimate hiddenness, our inner Nazareth where we are alone with the Alone. Together they constitute a relative hiddenness characteristic of the eremitical life.

Thanks again for your questions. I am still fielding occasional queries because of the video JHS put up about a month ago (cf link above re Hermit's Rant) --- though she makes the same groundless and speculative accusations against me and others in other places. I won't post unimportant clarifications and I will continue to try not to repeat those I have already provided, but I especially thought your question on hiddenness was important given what I have written recently about the public, ecclesial nature of the c 603 vocation.

In Him all Things Will Cohere!

[[Dear Sister, when you told the brief version of how you discovered a vocation to eremitical life and became a hermit, you said that you saw that perhaps this way of living would "make sense of" your entire life. I wondered if you could say more about the phrase "make sense of" because in part, it sounds like maybe you were looking for a way to validate a life you felt was meaningless. I wonder if that's a very good reason to try to live as a hermit. Is that really what a divine call looks like? Every other vocation story I have heard or read speaks about coming from a place of strength and knowing clearly that God was calling one to this. One hermit I know even talks about God saying to her directly that she was called to be a hermit. Yet, you are giving a very different picture of the way God called you to eremitical life. I just hoped you would say a little more about this, particularly if I am misunderstanding you. Thank you!]]

Thanks for your questions and observations. They are excellent and incredibly timely. Some people use the term "synchronicity" to describe this kind of timeliness. My Director and I often speak of the same thing and use the word "sacrednicity". I think that your questions are an example of that and maybe you'll see a little of why as I respond.

What I wrote in that recent piece with a brief version of the way I came to eremitical life and then to canonical eremitical life was true. And yet, in some ways, I have always felt a bit defensive about the very phrase you have asked about, "make sense of". But recently I was listening to Francis Kline OCSO speaking about Trappist life specifically and monastic life more generally. He was discussing the monastic value and vow of stability and how essential it is to living a monastic life. The reason he gave was that monastic life (and here you can substitute eremitical life) is about an inner journey and a stable structure was necessary to support this inner journey. Then, strikingly, he said, without that stable structure a person would either give up their attempt to make this inner journey, or their lives would become completely compartmentalized --- which, of course, would enervate, or vitiate and destroy the dynamism supporting the journey. In fact, compartmentalization would be antithetical to the inner journey itself, because it is one of healing, integration, and Communion growing to Union. I came to look at my own story in terms of compartmentalization and saw that my life had been fragmented, partly out of richness (a variety of talents and gifts including what I sensed as a call to religious life and a call to do theology) and partly because of chronic illness and disability; I needed a way to pull and hold all of these various dimensions together so that the inner journey that was compelling to me was truly possible.

Chronic illness and other factors already separated me, to some extent, from the world around me, and additionally, they threatened to dominate in such a way as to make living a coherent and intelligible life impossible. These parts or dimensions of my life called for a way to heal and achieve integration as much as the gifts and talents that were mine also called for this. In  Father Francis Kline's terminology I was looking for a stable structure, way, or vocational pathway that might heal the fragmentation I knew, and maybe even be beyond the power to fragment possessed by chronic illness, and the other factors present in my life. The way I ordinarily have said this to myself or to others has been that I was looking for a context within which I could be myself, and truly and wholly myself. I came upon canon 603 at a point of crisis, that is, an opportune point where decisions were necessary and urgent. I was vulnerable and open to hearing the will of God at this point. And when I read canon 603, I began to think that, indeed, this was possibly a way forward that allowed both strength and weakness to contribute to the inner and outer journeys I felt called to make with my life. There was never a reason to feel defensive because of my own needs. What c 603 seemed to promise was not the validation of isolation but its redemption!! And so it has done!

The Scripture behind all of this and that echoed in the background was Paul's statement in Colossians 1:17, [[[Christ] is before all things, and in him all things hold together (cohere)!]] For me then, c 603 provided a glimpse of a way to follow Christ that was profoundly healing and empowering. It provided a potentially stable structure and vision focused on the grace of God, and where that grace and the support of those God sends into my life allow me to live my life fully and for the sake of others. To answer your question about this, yes, I believe that for most of us, this is exactly what a divine call or vocation looks and sounds like. Few people I know hear some direct voice of God saying, "become a hermit"! Most of us have to listen for the opportunity embedded in a situation -- whatever the nature of that situation. We have to trust that God's love will find a way and that way will be offered to us in recognizable tones and keys, even if they are also very subtle ways. But that is what real discernment is like and about!! It means learning to hear the opportunity embedded in the complicated and sometimes chaotic as, in time, we discover that that opportunity is proffered to us by the very hand and heart of God. 

The insight I had when first reading c 603 was profound; that is, it both came from and spoke to the very deepest places within me and yet, it still called for a significant discernment process. It required study and prayer and discussion with my director and then too, with the Church's own representatives, and only over time did it resolve into a clarity that allowed me (and the Church as well) to say, yes, this is the will of God for me and yes, what it seemed to promise is real!! Canon 603 called me to the silence of solitude and therefore, to the redemption of an isolation occasioned by chronic illness and disability, as part of an inner journey in which all things cohere in Christ. Thanks be to God!