Always There

A Sister sent this to me yesterday knowing I would like the song, the singer, the violinist, and the deep truth of it. She and her Sisters had used it at an anointing for one of theirs who was having surgery later on that day. I admit I began crying the moment I heard the first words and continued throughout. This is what it is like to know and be known by God in Christ; it is what it is like to have a Director who lives from that same relationship and embodies the truth of it in her own life and work. It is the reason I can be a hermit and insist solitude is not isolation or do the deep inner work I have done over the past three years. It is the reason I can truly be myself and live ever more fully the life God gives me. He is always there for me; to come to know this deeply and unshakeably is such a tremendous grace! Thanks be to God! (The lyrics are also included below.)

Always There

Secret Garden

When I'm less than I should be
And I just can't face the day
When darkness falls around me
And I just can't find my way

When my eyes don't clearly see
And I stumble through it all
You, I lean upon, you keep me strong
And you rise me when I fall

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

When life brings me to my knees
When my back's against the wall
You are standing there right with me
Just to keep me standing tall

Though a burden, I may be
You don't weary, you don't rest
You are reaching out to carry me
And I know I'm heaven blessed

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

You are there when I most need you
You are there so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

There when I most need you
There so constantly
You come shining through, you always do
You are always there for me

Songwriters: Rolf Løvland

© BMG Rights Management

On Prayer: Visions and Locutions?

[[Hi Sister Laurel, I wondered if it is unusual to have visions and locutions during prayer. Do these happen to you or to people you direct? Some people believe these kinds of experiences mean the one experiencing them is a mystic and exceptionally loved by God. Do only contemplatives have these kinds of experiences? I wondered if maybe I might have such experiences and I am not a contemplative.]]

Thanks for your questions. I need to parse the meaning of words like "unusual", vision, and locution to answer you. Visions ordinarily mean that God comes to one in a visual way, within one's own mind and often using the contents of one's own mind to "furnish" the vision. They are not ordinarily external to us as though we are looking at a scene standing entirely outside ourselves; at the same time they transcend us and do not find their source in us but in God. Locutions ordinarily mean that God comes to us in an audible way, though again within our minds. Such locutions tend to be fairly brief, a single sentence, couplet, or a couple/few words only. I have not had nor have I heard from people I know who have experienced long soliloquies or speeches, and personally, I tend to distrust accounts of such long-winded experiences as being truly of God.

Not everyone has such experiences and that makes them relatively unusual. They also tend to be vivid and memorable -- although I tend to write mine down (journal) immediately so I may return to them and pay greater attention to aspects I missed or may forget when recounting them -- say, for my director, for instance. This makes them stand out from the rest of my prayer so in that sense they are also unusual. Finally, they are occasional, not frequent because they are so rich and require time to be processed and appreciated; in this sense too they are unusual. `If, however, you mean do they indicate something unusual (aberrant) in the person's prayer life, that the person's prayer life is extraordinary or exceptional except in the ways I have already indicated, I would say no; they are a significant part of a serious prayer life, but one doesn't need to be some sort of spiritual savant to have such occasional or fairly infrequent experiences.

It once was thought that contemplative prayer itself was only open to a privileged few and that experiences like those you ask about were open to only a very few among those. Today we know that anyone with sufficient leisure and commitment can learn to pray and live contemplatively, and we encourage folks to learn to do so. Spiritual direction can be helpful here and is a ministry open to anyone desiring to take advantage of it. Similarly, visions and locutions as I have described them can be accessible to anyone who prays regularly, reads Scripture, and takes time to do lectio daily, or at least regularly. (These practices shape our minds and hearts  and prepare us for the kinds of experiences we are talking about. Such experiences, when they are genuine, are manifestations of God but ordinarily the ground needs to be prepared for this. I do not believe God loves those who have such experiences more than God loves any other person; we are all exceptionally even infinitely loved by God and thus, we all have the potential for such experiences of God's love.)

As noted regarding my own experiences, yes I have such. They are not necessarily frequent but they do tend to be pivotal and serve as moments of profound healing/reconciliation, sources of understanding and strength, and always they convey a sense of promise regarding my own life with God in Christ and often the life of others and our world more generally. I don't think they are more important than the rest of my prayer (in some ways they are less!) but they tend to function as significant markers along the way of that prayer. And regarding the possibility that you might have such experiences, please know that in prayer we ordinarily don't focus on or look for experiences. I know it is easy to desire such experiences; it can be problematical to expect such experiences and is certainly healthier spiritually if we approach prayer as God's work/active presence within us which we ordinarily do not immediately sense at all. God transcends what we can experience so we need to be cautious in regard to such things. I can only encourage you to pray regularly and give God time and space in your life to do whatever God wills to do. If you can do this and gradually become a contemplative, you might well occasionally experience God in these less usual ways. Paradoxically, because they are associated with humility and love (both our own and God's), they may happen when you are least concerned with them. I hope this is helpful.

Come Down and See Who I Really Am!

The Gospel reading today is the story of Zacchaeus and Jesus. Zacchaeus who is short in stature wants to know who this man Jesus really is and climbs a tree to get a good look at him as he comes by. Perhaps Zacchaeus had heard some fascinating stories about Jesus; perhaps he had seen him heal, teach, or preach, and wanted another good look at him. Maybe he was just a bit intrigued and curious, but it is more likely given his choice to climb a tree that he was in touch with his heart enough to know that in this man was an answer he had longed for his whole life; I believe Zacchaeus sensed that Jesus could address needs Zacchaeus' relative wealth and status just couldn't address. We don't know the details of his situation --- as we often don't with Bible stories --- But this makes it possible for us to can read ourselves right into the text and find ourselves in that tree overlooking Jesus' route waiting for him to come by.

Or would we be too embarrassed to find ourselves up a tree looking for some relatively grungy Galilean with his rag tag following --- even when this man might be God's Chosen One? After all, what Zacchaeus did in climbing a tree was akin to the Father in the parable of the Prodigals (both Sons and the Father are prodigal in their own ways) when he runs (runs!!) to meet his lost younger Son. No oriental man would have compromised his dignity and standing in such a way, any more than they would have climbed a tree to see a status-less itinerant Jewish preacher! Such an act would have been shameful and in a culture where honor was the currency that made everyday living meaningful, it would have been incredibly costly for Zacchaeus. I know today some folks shame others by calling them "fanatics" or "Jesus Freaks" (no, this term has not gone away!), or with their questions and comments. "Why do you pray that much?" "He is a failure in life so he turned to religion." "Why do you come early to Mass?" or "Why do you put your confidence in such fairy tales as the life, death and resurrection of a man called Jesus?" Our culture may not turn on honor and shame but we are not unaware of its influence!

So Zacchaeus the tax collector humbles himself (he was short in stature and was certainly disliked, but he also stood relatively tall in terms of wealth and power) in order to ask the question, "Who is this One called Jesus?" And the results are astounding! Jesus comes past, sees him, calls him by name, requires he come down from his perch, and invites himself into Zacchaeus' home for dinner that very night (a definite reversal of the normal "modus operandi" in this honor/shame society where invitations to dinner give honor and cannot merely be self-conferred!). The answer to Zacchaeus' implicit question is looking like it is way bigger and more challenging than Zacchaeus might ever have imagined! He wanted to know more about who this man was. Jesus shows us he is One who knows that the need for this revelation is immediate and makes clear the best context is an intimate meal setting.

The story is incredibly rich and, like Jesus' own parables, can take us in many directions. A few of these strike me: do we pay attention to our own hearts as Zacchaeus apparently did? Are we willing to act on the needs and desires we discover when we attend to our hearts and minds even if we look foolish in some peoples' eyes in doing so? Are we willing to let go of status or to humble ourselves so that God might be welcomed and embraced? Are we open to having Jesus call us by name and invite himself into our lives and homes or do we merely want to look on him from a remote vantage point? Do we want to know him and be known by him or is he just a curious historical figure we are satisfied knowing a little about about? Do we even know for sure that such a truly personal way of knowing and being known by the Risen Christ is possible? Will we open our homes to him whenever he calls or do we like to keep him in Church where encounters are more predictable and less likely to carry us outside liturgical recognizable (finite) boundaries?

 I suspect few of us would have immediately recognized, much less named Zacchaeus as a model of humility or profound wisdom but that is what he is in today's Gospel lection. For me Zacchaeus is a reminder to pay attention to all the movements of my heart and mind, and to open myself to the Christ who comes in the midst of ordinary life; he reminds me to take whatever steps I need to see, know, and be known by Christ a little better whether those around me understand their importance or not. And he reminds me that even my slightest efforts in this regard will be matched by God in Christ's love and attention. In fact, these will always outstrip my own ability to imagine what is possible. Jesus knows me and allows himself to be known by me in ways I could never have envisioned and even less expected! At the same time this part of Zacchaeus' story reminds me I must come down from any relatively remote perch I can sometimes occupy -- a perspective largely provided by personal woundedness and academic theology ---  and also allow Jesus, the One who truly knows my name (self) and desires to be truly known by me, to come home and dine with me this day and every day. Empowered by Jesus' invitation, I just have to come down to know who Jesus really is.

Catching Up and Questions on Suffering Well

The latest Planned power outage is well over here in Lafayette and another one planned for early Wednesday morning into Thursday was put on hold. I am grateful because while I can manage many things without power some things are simply very difficult or impossible without it (hot showers, laundry, hot food). We actually had a couple of fires here in Lafayette and watched planes drop fire retardant and helicopters dropping water to prevent forward movement during wind events. There were some evacuations but they were short-lived, thanks be to God! Meanwhile, North of here the Kincaid fire continues with limited control (about 47%) and South of here (several hours) the Getty fire threatens museums, colleges, Motherhouses I know, and other institutions as well as many individual residences. 

I  have received some questions about a post I put up in June on the notion of suffering well (cf, Question on Suffering well). (Sorry but it took a couple of days to actually write an answer and there are other questions still waiting; I appreciate everyone's patience.) At this point in time, when so many people here in my state are suffering tragic losses, displacement, inability to work, etc., it is timely to be reminded of it. In that piece and the follow up (Followup on Suffering well: Suffering and the will of God) I wrote that for me the only way to suffer well was to live well in Christ in spite of suffering. I also wrote that it is important to distinguish between Jesus' suffering at the hands of humankind and what God willed for him.

Here I wrote that God wills Jesus to live a fully human life and death, but God did not specifically will Jesus' torture and suffering on the cross. It is true that if Jesus embraces authentic or genuine humanity in self-emptying and solidarity with God and others his life will entail profound suffering but what God wills for Jesus are those choices which bring greater and greater life, not choices simply for greater and greater suffering. Is there a difference? Yes. it is possible to will that a person lives fully and accepts the consequences of that life without willing the consequences per se. Think of parents who send their children to public schools. They will their children get all the benefits of a rich and diverse educational milieu; they do not will their children get bullied or run into teachers who are burned out but have tenure, for instance. Or think of the  Peace corps; it sends people all over the world to assist those in need. It does not will these workers become victims of mercenaries, etc. And yet, these unwilled consequences do occur.

So what were the follow up questions? They included: 1) Isn't our suffering reparational? Don't we make up for what is lacking in Jesus' suffering? 2) How do we distinguish between the suffering that comes as part of life and suffering that we can't let go of or that we take on rather than choosing life? and 3) why is it so hard to let go of suffering?

It is true that Colossians 1:24 speaks of making up for what was lacking in the sufferings of Christ but what does this mean? Does it mean, for instance, that Christ's own sufferings per se were insufficient and must be supplemented with our own --- as though Christ's passion was  objectively inadequate for the redemption of all creation? No, I don't think we can ever suggest such a thing. Objectively speaking Christ's passion, death, and descent were a perfect sacrifice marked by perfect obedience (perfect openness to and trust in God) and destroyed sin and death. But subjectively speaking the fruits of Jesus' passion, death, descent, and resurrection must become our own, that is we must embrace the life he brought to us as the Risen Christ in the Spirit of God, and we must do so as fully and faithfully as we can. This will mean learning to let go of a great deal (including a great deal of bad theology and spirituality), just as it will mean allowing the love of God to heal us of a great deal --- and both of these processes will entail suffering at the service of healing and selfless or generous life --- but it does not mean embracing suffering which, whether implicitly or explicitly, claims that the passion of Jesus was inadequate in some way.

Jesus' death allows the Love of God (the Love-in-act that IS God) to overcome all of those things which mark us as alienated from God. It does this with Jesus taking all of these things into himself while remaining open to God's presence and refusing to let these godless things separate him from God. This refusal to let sin and death separate him from God opens these realities to God. In absolute vulnerability Jesus took on sin and death (and thus every form of godlessness) and remained obedient to God (open and vulnerable to both suffering and the God who brings life out of nothingness) so that God might triumph over these things. Not only because of the weight of what he took on, but because of his openness and vulnerability, Jesus' suffering and death was more intense and deeper than anything you or I will ever know. But it also allowed God to enter into (or, from another perspective,  to take these things into himself) and transform them with his presence. Objectively speaking, sin and death were destroyed; they were transformed from godless realities into realities where God might be met face to face.

The result is the perspective we hear from Paul in tomorrow's reading from Romans 8 [[ If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died-more than that, who was raised to life-is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our LORD.]]

Does this sound like Paul (who only may have written Colossians) thought there was anything objectively lacking in Jesus' passion and death? No. At the same time, however, Paul knows that suffering continues and some must be embraced, not in reparation for sins (God in Christ is victorious over sin and death) but in order that we ourselves may embrace life and witness to the truth of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. God's objective victory over sin and death must be appropriated subjectively so that one day God might be all in all. It is only in this sense that we can speak of our own suffering (and our own victories over suffering as life is more and more fully embraced!!) as reparative with the accent on repair not reparation.

Why is it so Hard to Let Go of Suffering? 

Suffering is a very difficult reality for us. It seems meaningless and it tends to make our lives seem meaningless as well as it cuts us off from work, recreation. relationships, and, more profoundly, a sense of self which seems truly valuable. While all of this seems like a great reason to let go of suffering for some this suffering becomes a part of their very identity. When that is exacerbated by flawed theodicies --- theologies of evil/suffering in light of the goodness of God --- that validate suffering even when this occurs at the expense of life and choices for health, it becomes especially difficult to let go of suffering. For instance, the notion of victim souls is one of these approaches that validates one's suffering despite the problem that it diminishes the degree and meaning of the suffering of others. Similarly, but in less dramatic interpretations our suffering can make us feel special; we don't feel like victim souls but we may be victims in some sense and that can make us feel special, something hard to let go of.

Likewise it can become hard to let go of suffering when one has chronic illness which makes it intimidating to live without the limitations it imposes; we have to learn how to live a fuller life than illness allowed and that can be frightening. Even without the secondary gain associated with our illness this can be true. I think there are many reasons letting go of suffering becomes difficult for us and I have only mentioned a couple, but my own concern is with interpretations of suffering and evil that make them the will of God in one way and another. The versions of these theologies I have seen (heard or read) make of God something abhorrent. This God is not a God of life, a God who takes on sin and suffering in order to destroy them ultimately. Neither in these theologies is suffering a symptom of our estrangement from God (i.e., sin) nor do they draw a sufficient distinction between the permissive and active wills of God. The "God" they give us is a "God" who torments his creation -- but then they dress it up in pious language --- the language of reparation, discipline, and atonement. (Suffering can be a source of discipline, but generally this is because grace transforms pain from being something merely intolerable or destructive into a suffering that can occasion growth.)

It feels wonderful to believe God has chosen us. On the other hand it feels awful to be different from others, especially when the difference is caused by something like chronic illness or the sense we are not special to anyone. Some of us learn that God loves us no matter what and that we have value because of this. When we come to know ourselves as loved by God so too can we know ourselves as the same as others and simultaneously special; we will cease to need our illness as something that sets us apart or makes us special. Others, however, learn somehow that their suffering is an expression of God's love or that they are only loved by God to the extent they suffer. When this happens it may be almost impossible to let go of suffering and the victim status that seems to me to be a form of bondage unworthy of the Son/Daughter of God. But the God of Jesus Christ is the God who asks us to live well and offers us opportunities for ever-fuller or more abundant life -- even in the face of chronic illness for which little can be done. We Christians are called to learn to embrace these opportunities first of all and only thereafter and secondarily the forms of suffering which are consequences of living well in Christ.

So how do we distinguish between suffering that is a consequence of living well and is embraced as a part of living well and that which is more primary and can lead to a life of victimhood? I think sometimes it is a fine line, but not always. A number of years ago I wrote about someone who had made a "vow of suffering". Part of that vow was a promise to extend or prolong a life of suffering and a related promise to choose whichever option provided greater suffering. I admit the entire idea was appalling to me. I think we have to ask ourselves what are we choosing first of all and what are its fruits in the here and now: does it lead us to greater human wholeness, love of others, generosity, ability to empty ourselves and embrace responsible freedom? Does it take advantage of opportunities which lead to greater human wholeness and the ability to participate in community (and yes, even hermits need to be cognizant and careful of this for isolation and solitude are not the same thing!!)? For instance, do we act to end what suffering isolates us and curtails our life and especially our life in community when this is possible using normal remedies or do we turn in on ourselves and create an idol who supposedly wills our suffering and our isolation and diminishment as human beings in some sort of propitiation for the sinful condition of humanity?

It is absolutely possible to choose life and the suffering that comes from that (i.e., all kinds of sacrifice and forms of self-emptying which serve life and wholeness in ourselves and others) without believing God wills our suffering. At the same time it will be necessary to embrace the God who has chosen to be with us in all things including our suffering so that life in and of God can be truly sovereign here and now in this world. Our task in Christ is to allow heaven to ever more fully penetrate our world so that in and through our lives the Kingdom of God is truly at hand! We are not to be focused on heaven in a way which orients our life toward escaping this world; we are focused on heaven (life in and with God shared with all) in a way which transforms everything we touch with the love and life of God. If the God we believe in does not call us to a life committed to the transformation of all creation and to the sacrifices necessary to make that truly possible (unnecessary suffering actually stands in the way of this), then we are not believing/trusting in the God of Jesus Christ.

I hope this is helpful. If you have questions about specific examples of suffering and whether they fall into one category of suffering or the other please get back to me. Discerning when we are choosing life and suffering as a consequence as opposed to choosing suffering which is really a rejection of life can be difficult in some instances but in this as in every other thing we choose , the gospel admonition, "it is by their fruits that you will know them" is our ultimate criterion.

Another Power Outage Planned for this Weekend

Well, looks like PG and E is going to shut down power yet again From Saturday Evening through Monday afternoon this weekend. That means I will likely NOT have power until Tuesday at some time. For clients I will work out rescheduling via text messages. Please do not email after Saturday evening; I won't have access to email until Tuesday sometime. If I can find a place to travel to in order to meet via ZOOM or Skype on Monday I will let you know. Again, if you need to contact me over the weekend PLEASE TEXT me and I will get back to you. If you are on other lists for power outages in your own area this weekend, we'll reschedule for tomorrow or after Tuesday. Text me to let me know your dates and I will be in touch ASAP!

On the other hand I have to say that I am relatively ready for this power outage because of the last one. I now have a couple of battery powered LED lanterns to read by, plenty of canned food, and, even better an excuse to finish off the ice cream I bought a couple of days ago!  I know my devices will run on battery for as long as I need them to during this outage (not sure about phone but computers (2) are fine). There is a major fire raging North of here (not too close but also not far) so if we can avoid sparks during windy conditions we definitely want to do that. (Fortunately I am hearing friends up North of here are safe and have not been evacuated; some are not so lucky!) Again, I am not so sure this is the best way to handle things by PG and E (interim maintenance, etc might be improved I think), but it is what it is for the time being. Prayers please for those already caught in CA wildfires!!

Our Vocation as Apostles and Evangelists: Called to Become the Gospel of Jesus Christ

In these days of natural disasters, climates tragedies, war and famine we frequently see images of people fleeing with little more than the clothes on their backs. Sometimes we will see pictures of folks with some warning packing their cars full of belongings and preparing to evacuate. Today at our Communion Service I wondered how many of those attending had spent time deciding what they would take with them in case of such an emergency. Most everyone had, at one time or another thought about this question and were more or less prepared for such an emergency and the difficulties of closing the door on most all they own if circumstances demanded that of them.

 So, on the Feast of St Luke today's first reading from 2 Timothy struck me with what Paul requests of those coming to support him and all this implied. He wants contact with his correspondents, of course; he wants and needs their support and encouragement, their prayer,  news, and personal sharing. And he is grateful for their presence in his life, but in terms of "things" he asks only for the cloak he left in Troy (Turkey) and for the scrolls and parchments (books). He especially wants the books, the "parchments". Possibly approaching his own death in Rome, scholars believe Paul wants access to the stories of Jesus' life and ministry, and perhaps some of Paul's own letters as well. He has "put on Christ" in all that implies and needs little more than the texts which will help him come even closer to Christ and proclaim him to those around him. His needs are slight, a cloak he has had with him on 10's of 1000's of miles of journeying, shipwrecks, stonings, floggings, betrayals, abandonment, disappointments, successes, etc., and the Risen Christ who has accompanied, empowered, and transformed him with the unconditional love of God.

What struck me in the Gospel lection was very similar. Jesus sends disciples out two by two on purposeful and focused journeys. They are to bring peace to whomever they meet at their destination and proclaim the Kingdom of God is "at hand". They too have "put on Christ", received the Holy Spirit of Life and Truth, and been missioned to approach others without benefit of anything more than who they are in light of this inheritance. They are to bring no sack, no sandals, no moneybags; they are to close the door of their own homes and travel out to those places Christ desires and (with and in them?!) will visit. They are to accept whatever hospitality is offered to them, nor are they to move from house to house looking for better fare or accommodations. They are to offer the peace of Christ to whomever will receive it and not be troubled when it is rejected. Above all they are to be themselves in Christ, living examples of the Gospel of God in Christ.

In both of these readings the words I heard again and again were "integrity" and "freedom."  Every Christian is called upon to be an Apostle of Christ. We are each of us sent into the world to proclaim the Gospel with our lives. (Paradoxically, hermits are sent out only to the extent we are sent into our hermitage or cell to dwell with Christ in solitude; it is in this way we become an incarnation of the Gospel lived for the sake of others.) We are each and all of us meant to be the Gospel that listens and responds to the needs of others with the heart and mind of Christ. We are to need nothing else than ourselves and the Christ who indwells and empowers us while we trust that insofar as this is who we truly are, it will be sufficient for all those we meet. Integrity. At the same time we are called to journey in Freedom without the need for props or external support and without the burdens of our own woundedness, limitations, or brokenness. As was true with Paul, and as he wrote to the Church in Philippi, even the things which once bound and crippled us can be opportunities for the proclamation of the Gospel. As Paul demonstrated to the Church in Galatia, showing up beaten and bruised and proclaiming the good news of a Crucified Christ was a sign of his credibility, not something that invalidated his message. In Christ Paul knew Freedom, especially freedom from arrogance and a merciless fanaticism and freedom for a humble and compassionate integrity.

The prospect of being somehow turned out of our own homes and neighborhoods by a natural disaster, a so-called "Act of God" with little more than a well-worn but beloved jacket, a photo album or two, and perhaps our personal Bible, may be difficult to entertain. The prospect of encountering a certainly hostile but also potentially hospitable world with only ourselves clothed with Christ -- without money, status, influential relationships or networks, etc., is frightening. And yet, as Christians we are commissioned by Christ in a very literal act of God (!) which asks us to trust in the potential of those we meet as we proclaim a Good News  capable of answering every hope and fulfilling the very deepest dreams. On this Feast of St Luke let us take seriously our call to be Evangelists. In the integrity and freedom of those who have put on Christ let us BE the Gospel of Jesus Christ!

On Canonical Standing and Responsible Freedom

[[Dear Sister Laurel, when you write that one of the reasons some hermits choose canonical standing is because of the freedom it gives them from being concerned with peoples' opinions about them was this your own reason for seeking canonical standing? I am asking because it seems kind of petty to be concerned about what people think of you or your vocation.]]

Thanks for your question. Yes, it can be petty to be concerned re what people think about you or your vocation, I agree. But the situation I was responding to in my other post seemed to me to be about more than that. It involved what I heard to be an intensely critical attitude of others which, in my own experience, is an intensification of an entire constellation of beliefs and attitudes which we might call "the world". Namely, the person writing me found that much of his choices regarding prayer, silence and solitude, his likes, attempts to be faithful to his deepest self, and so forth, were being criticized and more, actually conflicted with much of what the world around him considers "normal" or perhaps, "healthy" (although that is not a word he used in his questions). When this sort of global "attitude" is what one meets at every turn in one's attempts to be faithful to one's call, it can be destructive as it eats away at one's confidence in the soundness of one's discernment. Thus it leads to temptation, mainly the temptation to conform oneself to the beliefs, attitudes, activities and general culture of those surrounding one but potentially at the expense of one's integrity and deepest self.

At such times, having one's discernment confirmed by those in leadership in the Church can result in a form of freedom. As a result of such confirmation one is able to trust in one's discernment even in times of difficulty and doubt and this is immensely empowering. In the solitude of the hermitage one continues to pray, work, and study in silence with and in the presence of God; over time one will find one's certainty of one's vocation deepens and pervades every moment and mood of one's life but there must be this essential freedom to disregard the culture that has, until this time, defined a whole constellation of what was considered normal and worthy of being aspired to. Canonical standing, which always comes only after a significant period of mutual discernment and which is accompanied by the assumption of public rights and obligations, is incredibly important in establishing a person in a vocation which is little-understood, less-esteemed, and often caricatured with the help of stereotypes and those who live the vocation badly or just eccentrically. So yes, I affirm canonical standing as an important context allowing hermits, especially those who must live in urban and other populated settings, to persevere and mature in their vocations.

However, while this is a valid and important reason for seeking canonical standing, I don't think it is a sufficient reason for doing so. Instead I think there are two other reasons which are more important: First,  the eremitical vocation I live is an ecclesial vocation. It "belongs to the Church" and was entrusted to her by Christ. This vocation recognizes "the silence of solitude" not only as the physical context of the life, but also as the goal of the life (we are to come to the stillness and peace of life in God, and thus to the fullness of human existence where God alone completes us), and the unique gift or "charism" hermits bring to the Church and world. Second, the ecclesial hermit is meant to witness to the Gospel of God in Christ; she is called to witness to the way in which the Gospel saves. Ecclesial hermits will have had a an experience in silence and solitude which is profoundly redemptive and will need to witness to this movement of the Holy Spirit. (cf., On the Redemptive Experience at the Heart of the Eremitical Vocation)

In my own life I embraced eremitical life and especially canonical eremitical life for these three reasons. The most important one, to my mind, is the need to witness to the redemptive way God has worked in my life in the silence of solitude. It is important to note that as I understand it, this cannot be separated from the ecclesial nature of my vocation, nor from its public nature; instead, it makes this public and ecclesial context essential. The Gospel is entrusted to the Church. It lives and works first of all in her midst and is the very reason for her existence. For me personally, seeking canonical standing was the only way to continue living such a vocation and meet the requirements of eremitical life in real and literally responsible freedom. I hope this is helpful.

Oakland Civic Orchestra: Schumann Symphony #4

Here is the second half of OCO's last concert (October 6th), Robert Schumann's 4th Symphony! I have never played this symphony, though it sounds like fun. Some of the themes are familiar but otherwise it's not a symphony I can even say I knew. Again though, it's a fun piece. Enjoy!

On Discerning a Call to Eremitical Life

[[Dear Sr. Laurel,  Would you be so kind as to write a bit about your experiences as a lay hermit? What does the process of discernment look like when a  lay hermit discerns canonical eremitism? As a layperson, how does one live a privately eremitical life while still presenting an open, engaged public life in society, parish and workplace? I'm thinking about the need for a lay-hermit to avoid falling into merely antisocial behavior and justifying such behavior as an expression of eremitic life.  

A few years ago, I changed some things in my daily structure to create space for more prayer and solitude--hardly enough to claim to be living as a hermit! Yet, my acquaintances/coworkers questioned me quite critically on my lifestyle (what exactly do you do on the weekends? Don't you have a social life? Why are you always busy but never say what you're doing? Don't you want to get married?--Time's running out! So what do you do for fun?--that doesn't sound like fun!). 

I guess what I want to know is: Am I being a wannabe/imposter/poser by even testing this mode of living as a lay hermit? Why does it arouse such opposition in others, but feel just right to me? Did you experience anything like this in your discernment?]]

Hi there, I think what you are experiencing is part of the reason some hermits have discovered the importance of canonical standing with regard to their eremitical lives. Ecclesial vocations rooted in admission to canonical profession and consecration along with the rights and obligations of an established state of life provide a realm of freedom in which one can live an eremitical life as fully and authentically as possible without having to be ultimately (i.e., beyond the period of initial and mutual discernment) concerned with one's motivations or the opinions of others. The Church's approval of one's vocation is especially helpful during those times when one is led to work again through the reasons one has discerned this vocation and whether it is truly God's call or a response to ill-fitting motivations one was previously unaware or inadequately aware of. At these times one has the Church's discernment to trust in. It helps a lot with questions of authenticity (is this doubt due to my imperfection or am I just a poser, am I kidding myself in trying this, am I the real deal, how much of this is due to failure or selfishness?); it also provides a context which challenges and demands one live one's vocation in a whole-hearted, exhaustive way which witnesses to the Gospel.

 What I am saying is that your own experience, the things you are struggling with or worrying about may be indicators that you are dealing with exactly the kinds of dynamics one must negotiate in discerning such a call. None of us come to this vocation without a mix of existential successes and failures as well as a mix of motivations that make our discernment more complicated. When we add the impressions and opinions of others to the mix, or when we measure our lives against the normative or ideal ways of living our society touts initial discernment can be difficult. Despite some vision-and-locution-riddled accounts of calls to eremitical life one can find online, God does not ordinarily simply say to a person, "I want you to be a hermit." Instead, God summons us to the silence of solitude in ways both clear and subtle, vivid and obscure, with movements of our hearts;  it is up to us to discern this call in the midst of our own human complexity and then determine the very best context for living it out.

Also, please understand that few folks in our culture or society will understand a call to eremitical life. Even devout Catholics are unlikely to immediately understand it because its witness value differs so profoundly from that of apostolic Religious life or ministerial life --- both lay and ordained. (Given time and conversation with actual hermits, however, understanding will -- or at least can --- come!) At this point in time, despite the existence of canon 603, even many bishops still don't understand or accept eremitical life as something authentic. Even so, I sincerely believe that those who truly love you will be able to see how fulfilling contemplative and/or eremitical life is for you. (More about this in the excursus below.) Others will never get it. You need to learn to understand and trust your own motives. If you are looking to get other folks to understand an eremitical vocation please know most never will. Eremitical life is counter-cultural even within the contemporary Church and while our contemporary world knows and accepts things such as cocooning (an anti-social form of isolation) it generally does not accept lives lived for God and especially those that say "God alone is sufficient for us".

My Own Life as a Hermit:

I don't know if I can be of much help here regarding being a lay hermit. Remember I had a background in religious life, lived as part of a community when I began the process of becoming a diocesan hermit and was generally known as a Religious Sister in my neighborhood even after my diocese decided they were not going to profess anyone under c 603 due to some earlier situation which "left a bad taste in the bishop's mouth". At this point I had to decide whether I would continue living as a hermit whether in community or as a lay hermit. Eventually I decided I would continue living as a hermit no matter which state in which I did that --- that I could do nothing else because I clearly was thriving in this way.

However, because I was not a canonical hermit without the Church herself professing or consecrating me as a hermit, I can say I understand the difficulties of having people understand or support what I was doing and why. What I experienced, however, is that to the degree I was comfortable with my own vocation people gave me the benefit of any doubt. They might not understand about hermits and what motivates them, but they trusted me and remained open to the idea of my being a hermit. I did lose a couple of friends but not with the degree of antipathy you seem to be describing. When friends needed something to hold onto that would make sense of my life and that also made sense to them, they hung onto my identity as a woman Religious. For myself, it was clear to me that the Holy Spirit was working in my life in this specific way and while I hoped some day the Church would recognize this, I could not do anything but continue on as a hermit while still being professed in community. God was calling me to do this -- of that I was certain. However, it also became very important to find connections which/who supported me in my journey, e.g., the Camaldolese, a good spiritual director, other Sisters, etc. I don't know if this helps but if you have other specific questions re my own life as a hermit, please get back to me with those.

Discernment and Your Questions about Balancing a Healthy Relationship With Parish and Eremitical Life:

You describe maintaining a healthy presence and an open, engaged public life in society, parish, and workplace while living a privately [vowed] eremitical life. I wonder most about your comment about workplace. If you must work outside your hermitage and it cannot be 1) in a solitary way or 2) part-time (fewer than 20 hours a week), I don't think you can think of yourself as a hermit. (By the way, this is true about canonical hermits as well; dioceses have occasionally made the mistake of professing those working in social jobs on a full-time basis -- the Archdiocese of Boston is, unfortunately, best known for this serious error -- but most bishops will not even consider professing a hermit who works outside the hermitage much less in a full-time job.)  If you are transitioning to an eremitical life, and especially if you plan on seeking standing in law as a diocesan hermit, the ability to work only part time in a way which is consonant with eremitical life is one of the first things you will need to negotiate.

Before you are ready to do this you will need to work to 1) move to a genuinely contemplative life. This means growing in contemplative prayer but also in your approach to the whole of your life. I assume you are working regularly with a spiritual director who will aid you in your developing life as a contemplative. This is a sine qua non without which you cannot progress in your own growth in this way. Once this prayer and life is well-established you may find you have no real need to live as a hermit. On the other hand, you may find you feel called to even greater solitude and feel an even more intense sense that eremitical life is the only context and content that makes sense of your entire life. This whole process until this point takes years. You will not be a hermit at this point, and may not ever feel called to being a hermit.

Once you have reached this point, however, if you do feel a call to even greater solitude you will need to limit your participation in your parish and other external activities or venues. I would suggest you write a draft or working Rule of life describing what elements of prayer, lectio, study, and penance are essential for you right now. Similarly, describe the relationships you have that are genuinely life-giving and need to be honored no matter whether you are a hermit or not. Similarly, list the ways you engage in ministry that are life-giving to you and that you determine are important for your own prayer/spiritual life. For the present then (once you have reached this point), limit yourself to this degree of active participation in the parish and make clear to those who know you why you are doing this in a matter-of-fact way: "I need more time for prayer, lectio, or study" or, "My relationship with God is growing in this direction". Don't make a big deal of it. You are merely stating what your own life holds as priorities. Most likely ou will continue to support your parish in prayer, attend liturgy there, do limited ministry, and maintain friendships (though this last might not be in quite the same way you have done until now).

Excursus: The rule of thumb I think you should hold onto is "when in the parish or other social situation be available to others in a normal way; do not hold yourself aloof but let yourself be truly present! Especially, do not insist on only speaking about "Holy things" or only talking about God!! In other words, do NOT "play" hermit!! Be yourself!! If you need greater solitude, build it into your life but in all things, be yourself and when you are at your parish, etc., be there with and for others! You may (or may not) lose a few friends but it will not be due to some kind of pretense on your part. Meanwhile, you may also gain some new ones with whom you can share yourself truly. While your life may not seem like fun to others the more relevant question, I think, is whether or not you are happy. Folks know that I am supremely happy and even excited when I am reading Scripture or studying theology. This is not their idea of a good time maybe, but neither do I insist it should be. When I am happy that comes across in my ability to be present to/with others and it is here that the importance of what I do for recreation or with my time alone becomes a witness for others. End excursus.

Back to Writing a Rule:

As I think you can see from the above description, writing a Rule is first of all an exercise in discernment. Meet regularly with your spiritual director during this process. Don't be surprised if it takes some time before you have a Rule that meets your own needs and challenges you to grow even as it reflects the nature of your life now. When you are satisfied this Rule can assist you for the next couple of years, commit to living it. During this time your director can assist you in keeping what works and editing those which do not. Revise your Rule in ways that allows it to work better for you in terms of relationships and ministry (including hospitality to God and others) while respecting your sense of being called to greater silence and solitude.

If this particular Rule should work out for a space of time after revisions (say 1 to 2 years), and you see yourself called to eremitical life rather than merely to contemplative life with significant silence and solitude, it will be time to begin considering what context best allows you to live this. Will it be as a non-canonical or lay hermit or will it be as a canonical hermit under canon 603? Throughout all of this time, you will also pay attention to the evangelical counsels -- the values of poverty, chastity, and obedience (the values that define the way you relate to wealth, relationships, and matters of power or autonomy).

Private vows here are not essential, but they can make sense and help you prepare for canonical profession if that is a direction you believe you might go. For instance, while you will not have a legitimate superior (your spiritual director should not expect or be expected to act as one!), a private vow of obedience can make sense in terms of committing to allowing God to be sovereign in your life and in being attentive and open to God's presence and will. Similarly, you will live simply and take care of any wealth you might have just as you will love well and maintain the relationships which lead to wholeness and holiness. As you do this you may or may not find that God is calling you to the freedom (and responsibility) of the consecrated state of life where you will live eremitical life in the Church's name (i.e., as a Catholic hermit). If so, you will likely petition your diocese for admission to profession and eventual consecration under Canon 603). I would suggest you will have needed to live as a hermit per se for at least two or three years in order to be clear you feel called in this way.

Throughout all of this you will be discerning. There will be questions like the following running all through everything you are and do --- something which will be true whether or not you are discerning a canonical or non-canonical vocation: What does God call me to? How am I truly happiest, truly free? What makes me most whole and generous as a human being? Am I merely indulging my own tendencies to selfishness or being individualistic (which is not the same as truly being an individual)? Am I being false or engaging in pretense in this? How and how not? Is my need to be by myself  (or live in solitude) motivated by woundedness or by wholeness? (It is likely to be both and with your director's help you will need to learn to work through/heal the woundedness and enhance your own wholeness so your discernment can continue.)  How do I love best? How will my life witness most fully to the Gospel of God in Christ? Who am I really and who does God call me to be? That these questions arise does not necessarily indicate pretense on your part; they do say you need to grow in clarity about who you are and how God is working in your life, and that you continue to grow precisely in honestly posing such questions and attending seriously to the answers they reveal throughout your life.

I hope this is helpful. Again, if I have missed the mark for you or raised more questions, please feel free to get back to me with further comments and questions. In the meantime, all my best.

A Little bit of Lectio: Wholehearted Discipleship and Acting as the Finger of God

I did a Communion service yesterday morning. The readings were familiar ones, the first from Joel and the Gospel lection from Luke 11:15-21 and I had done homilies on them before, especially on Luke. Given the power outage, etc., though I had read the commentaries and spent time praying with the texts, I really had no ideas about what to say about these readings. The last time I spoke about Luke I pointed out that the room swept clean of demons is a metaphor for the human heart cleansed or purified, but also the heart hungry for commitment and yearning to give itself over entirely to something or someone who is worthy of this self gift. Commentators note that the purification of our hearts is not enough; we are made to love something/someone other than ourselves who will complete us, and if we don't give ourselves over exhaustively to God and those whom God loves, we will give our hearts over to some alien love which is unworthy of us and will leave us empty and incomplete. I reminded folks of this piece of things.

As I was preparing, I cast about for additional ideas and focused on the metaphor "the finger of God". I was struck by the paucity of uses of this image in both OT and NT. That made the image stand out for me in a way it has not done before. For instance, it is by the finger of God that plagues are sent against Israel and her enemies; it is by the finger of God that God writes the ten commandments on the stone tablets. It is by the finger of God that Jesus casts out demons in yesterday's Gospel lection and, in a passage which might want us to think of Jesus acting "by the finger of God". we have Jesus kneeling to write in the dust (a new law of justice done in mercy?) when the adulterous woman is brought before him. To act "by the finger of God" is to participate in or experience some dimension of God acting powerfully, " with mighty hand and outstretched arm! And yet, there is a gentleness and restraint associated with revelatory acts done "by the finger of God." It was this that was the second piece of yesterday's reflection.

The third piece of my thought yesterday came from something I read which affirmed the human soul as that aspect of our Selves which clearly defines us in terms of our relatedness to God. I have mentioned here and in my parish that Dom Robert Hale used to say "God sustains us like a singer sustains a note", and I have used that quote to indicate the dynamic, constant giving of our souls to us by God; our souls are the eternal breath of God breathed into us moment by moment. This ongoing giving of this profoundly integral and dynamic "part" or dimension of ourselves marks us not as merely related to God but as relationship with God.We do not merely have a relationship with God, we are relationship with God. That is our very nature. (By the way, as a bit of a tangent, this is part of the reason eremitical solitude is a communal reality.)

Finally, I combined these three pieces of thought and reflected that we are each called to give ourselves over wholeheartedly to this relationship, to commit to truly being this relationship and growing in the holiness which marks and measures authentic humanity. We are called to allow our hearts to be committed exhaustively, without division or resistance, to God and the things of God.  More we are called to be disciples of the living God through whom he works with power. Now, to be honest, I find it difficult to imagine God acting through me with "mighty hand and outstretched arm". I am very much moved by and relate more easily to the image of God's power being perfected in weakness instead! But, perhaps I can think of myself acting "by the finger of God"! Perhaps I can even see myself as the littlest finger of God through whom he acts with mercy and restraint to touch and heal others.

 Yesterday that is the message and call I suggested God was extending to each of us. Can we imagine ourselves as, perhaps, the littlest "finger of God" bringing God's powerful love to others with the gentleness and empathy of Jesus? Can we see ourselves acting thoughtfully and compassionately in a wholehearted way with and in him; can we imagine ourselves writing in the shifting sand of our own time and in the lives of those we touch, a message of Divine justice accomplished in mercy? I think this is part of what yesterday's Mass readings ask of us.

Oakland Civic Orchestra

In OCO's most recent concert Cellist Tim Erickson orchestrated and conducted Two Romances by Clara Schumann. Tim is also part of a quintet I play with (when my wrist is healthy) on Saturday mornings. So, besides all his other talents Tim (a physicist and mathematician) makes some pretty great pancakes --- often with a mystery ingredient we get to guess (and devour) before we get to playing music! I really like both of these Romances, but I love the first one all done with pizzicato!!

WOO HOO! Power is back on at Stillsong!

Well, the power is back on here at Stillsong! I can't say I entirely understand why PG and E opted to handle the situation in the way they did, however, the "weather event" (gusting winds and low humidity leading to a high fire danger period) has passed, the electricity is back on sooner than I expected, and all is well. I am not the only one who came away feeling grateful for some everyday amenities we might sometimes tend to take for granted!

So, thanks for your prayers and good wishes. Some of these I only saw or heard about after the power came back on but they meant a lot and nonetheless I felt supported by your prayer throughout the shutdown. I have received several questions and had a couple I have been working on for a while already. Thanks for your patience; I'll get to them as soon as I can.

Update on the next few days at Stillsong

  Well, things are interesting here in Northern California. Beginning at midnight tonight we will lose power for at least a day and a half in order to be proactive re fire danger. (Gusting winds beginning tonight and very low humidity makes this necessary.) Local news though, has asked us to be prepared to be without power for up to seven days. So, I am charging devices, buying batteries, shopping for canned food, making sure my prescriptions (especially for pain and seizure) are filled or sufficient, and just generally getting ready for this planned power shutdown. Amazon is delivering food for my pantry and I will pick up some stuff today to be sure I have enough for several days. I have a case of V8 juice to substitute for fresh vegetables (all stores will also be closed beginning at midnight tonight and my refrigerator is probably too small to keep perishables cold for long), a couple of thermos bottles for a day's worth of hot beverages, and am prepared to be drinking water instead of tea or a morning coffee so (despite some sleepiness in the early am) I think all will be well here at Stillsong.

 
I will not be able to post or pick up emails --- no router, of course (just realized that!) --- though I may be able to take a train into the City and do some writing there (I may also want a hot meal if the outage goes on a bit!). Otherwise it will just be relatively quiet (i.e., normal) days at Stillsong. I'm not yet sure about the parish Bible classes on Thursday and will miss those if they can't be held. The morning class might be able to be held but if the outage  goes on longer than  first suggested will be the case, there will be no way to hold the evening class. We are just moving into the heart of Paul's letter to the Galatians --- the section on justification, faith, and freedom and the ways these are rooted in the faithfulness of God and his Crucified Christ so I am particularly excited to start that. I am preparing material on justification, the way the cross works, our New Covenant identity "in Christ" (which Christians are invited to adopt as we have been adopted by God!!), and, of course, the nature of Christian Freedom.

We have all of October and most of November left to us to finish Galatians so we will be fine even if we need to lose one class. The class itself is wonderful! We have folks from all age groups (College onwards) and backgrounds (from college students to homemakers, to teachers (including theology!), to psychiatrists); they ask such good questions, make really excellent observations, and care deeply about their faith; they inspire me and I am energized by working with them in this way. It continues to amaze me how well this ministry works as an integral piece of eremitical life and allows the development and use of my own discrete talents in this regard. My director and I were discussing this a few weeks ago and I commented on how much reading and work I had to do for it (both in general and at that point in time). She observed wryly, ""Yes, like that is something you really hate!" (paraphrase) I laughed and agreed it was not exactly a hardship for me!! So, power outages are a nuisance but, for me at least, a small matter when there is this kind of energy flowing! Thanks be to God!