On Discernment and Extraordinary Experiences in Prayer

[[Sister Laurel, in your last post you wrote that you discern what is best for your vocation and sometimes it is not the same as what you might discern is best for you yourself. Does this happen often? I would think it would be hard to tease these two apart. I also think it would be hard to live a vocation where these two conflicted.]]

Really great question and observations! It is rare for me to discern one thing that seems best for me but not for my vocation or vice versa. My point was that consecrated hermits need to discern what's best for the vocation itself, that they are responsible for this specific "bigger picture" in discernment. Sometimes there can be an immediate sense that what is good for me is evident. That evident thing may serve my own growth or developing gifts, etc. It may allow a clear use of gifts which are the result of God's grace, but at the same time  it really may not serve the eremitical vocation itself. For instance, I could teach Scripture at my parish and do so in a way which allowed classes to be open to many parishioners and others. That would tap into my own gifts for teaching and my own education in Scripture and Theology. Moreover that is something I would really like to do even as it energizes and allows me to grow further in some ways! It is a good thing and might be very good for the parish, for my own intellectual and spiritual growth, etc., but the fundamental question I would need to answer before doing this is, would it be good for eremitical life itself? (And of course this is only one possibility for work I can do and am drawn to do.)

Remember, I have written before that sometimes hermits must give up using or developing discrete gifts in order to allow their life in the silence of solitude to be the gift. We have sometimes thought that hermits are those who have failed at life, or that they simply had little to offer the church and world in terms of active ministry. That is nonsense of course; what is the case is that hermits make an even more fundamental choice than that of active ministry. Prayer and one's relationship with God is at the heart of every form of ministry but hermits say with their lives that prayer and one's relationship with God IS the beating heart of authentic humanity. Hermits reveal the naked beating heart that empowers every form of truly effective ministry. Even our essential hiddenness is a reminder of something that has absolutely foundational importance and is often given short shrift by ministers because of so many things that seem more urgent. Of course, when we think about it we know that to neglect the heart is fatal just as we know that it is the heart, the very center of our lives and faith, that we give to others in ministry. To try to do ministry without attending to one's heart is like giving people sawdust to eat. Hermits call everyone to recognize who we each are and why we have anything to give at all.

My point in all of this is that there is (or can be) in each of us, hermit or not, a tension between the short term demands of the apostolate and the long term demands of our truest vocation. I try, especially now that I am very secure in who I am as a hermit, and too, in my growth and healing, to accommodate some demands for ministry in my parish and beyond. I am not sure whether this is all I will do or not. I am considering doing one other Bible (or maybe catechism) class down the line. For right now, I am at my limit and need all my extra time for reading, studying and prayer. Currently ministry is the natural outflow and revelation of my hermit vocation; it comes from there and it constantly calls me back to my cell for prayer and study. As long as this is true I am discerning that active ministry is intrinsic to my contemplative and eremitical lives; it is not in conflict with these. But what happens if or when it seems that perhaps I am called to do yet more active ministry?

I think you can see that discernment is something that doesn't cease with my decision to do Bible Study in some way for my parish. I have to keep my finger on the pulse of my own spiritual life, my physical health, the nature and witness value of eremitical life, the content of my vows and Rule, the needs of my parish and my own intellectual, emotional, social, and spiritual needs. God's will works through all of these and calls to me through each and all of them. In the end it might be that doing one more Bible (or catechism) class would be good for me in several ways and good for my parish, but it might also be true that this would be contrary to my commitment and witness to eremitical life. Sometimes there is conflict but so far my experience of this has been that it usually involves a conflict between goods, between something good and something better. A dozen years ago I found this specific discernment very difficult but now I expect it and am open to watching God bring life out of which ever choice I make. All I can do is be as faithful as possible to my own identity, to the call the Church has extended to me and entrusted me with,  and to the God who empowers me to love in whatever I do.

My Director has said to (an impatient) me what seems like a gazillion times at least, "Trust the process!!" This is in regard to healing and growth work in PRH which does indeed demand we work according to a certain "process" or methodology. But at root the phrase also means (not necessarily in this order!): "Trust me and my expertise, trust your deepest self, trust God who is at work in both of us!" God is at work in all things to bring wholeness and holiness forth. Trust Him! Trust the Process!" The "process" is also one of discernment. Discernment doesn't occur just once in awhile in our lives any more than a vow of obedience binds us to simply "do what we're told" when and if a superior requires it. Obedience is a way of living; it is an attentive, open-hearted way of being present to God and the whole of reality. So too is discernment a way of living --- an attentive and open-hearted approach to reality. There are times when this way of living will require assistance, clarification and consultation, and sometimes even the guidance of directors and superiors, but on the whole it is really all about "trusting the process" and especially the God who authors us. When this trusting (of) God is at the heart of all discernment even serious conflicts are easier to handle.

[[Also, I wanted to add a question about your experience of God if I can. Do you hear God speak to you or see visions? I wondered if this is common to hermits since one blog I read seems to have the hermit hearing and seeing visions of [or hearing] "locutions" all the time. Would this be a sign someone is called to eremitical life?]]

Thanks for your last question as well. Let me give you a brief answer now and perhaps enlarge on it at another time. Yes, sometimes I have seen Christ or a representation of the Trinity during prayer.  And yes, I sometimes hear Christ or the Father speak to me. Usually it is a couple of words or a single sentence or two. Never more than that --- no long soliloquies. It can be months or even years between such experiences, and that is entirely fine because one sentence is ordinarily enough to nourish, comfort, and empower me for years. The truth is, however, that these kinds of prayer experiences are infinitely rich and can be touched into again and again over time. One extended prayer experience I had while my director was present assisting me was now about 34 years ago and I still am finding things in it which at the time I missed or simply wasn't ready to appreciate fully.

To be blunt, I do not believe people who claim to have many, many such experiences or who need or depend upon such experiences in order to pray, to discern the will of God, or to live eremitical lives. I believe such a pattern is unhealthy and such "spirituality" both spiritually and psychologically aberrant and suspect. Though I have Sister friends who have genuine experiences like this more frequently than I do, and though I am completely convinced of their genuineness, ordinarily I do not believe patterns of experiences such as you describe to be of God. Accounts I have read by "hermits" who claim numerous such experiences as the basic pattern of their prayer seem analogous to me of someone going to a posh restaurant three times a day, day in and day out and ordering a rich meal each time only to take a single bite of the dessert and throw the rest away. Such a person goes away unnourished and ungrateful. They may also come away consumed by a sense of their own specialness --- a specialness which, unfortunately, does not edify but instead alienates. I don't believe God comes to us in these significant ways if we don't actually benefit from them in the way they can empower.

The truth, however, is other than this, namely, such extraordinary experiences of God are profoundly nourishing for a very long time --- perhaps for the whole of our lives. They are like a parable of Jesus to which one can return again and again and be inspired anew at every turn. So, no, I don't think this is a sign someone is called to eremitical life. It seems more likely to me to be a sign that they need medical assistance, a good therapist, and a really good spiritual director to help them grow to a spiritual maturity capable of finding and hearing or seeing God in the ordinary things of life. Sorry to be so blunt. I understand if this raises more questions for you than it answers but hermits live profound prayer lives which call us all to do something similar. There is nothing either more ordinary nor more extraordinary than their prayer lives. This is not because of extraordinary experiences in prayer but rather because the hermit's own ordinariness and the mundanity of her daily routine is touched and embraced every day by the extraordinary presence of an Incarnate God --- even when the hermit is entirely unaware of it in some sensible (able to be sensed) way.