Hi, and welcome to this blog then. I think I followed what you are asking. What you were trying to imagine and the difficulty it gave you makes it pretty clear you are called to some other vocation. I think it's terrific though that you gave this some time and really tried to imagine what hermit life is like. Your questions about active ministry are some of the most basic to understanding (or failing to understand) the eremitic life and I think they are really common questions that everyone asks (or at least wonders) about hermits. As you reflect yourself, the Church is very clear about the importance of active ministry and even hermits may do some very limited degree of it. As you are also aware, active ministry is far from the heart of eremitical life and it is important to address why that is the case. I'll try to do that below. Finally, the questions you raise at the end are really critical to understanding who hermits are and why something like c 603 cannot be used as a stopgap just to get professed. I am grateful you let yourself say what you were thinking in this!!
Let me say that I believe it would be terrible for someone to accept an apparent call to be a hermit if God is calling them to something else. First, it would be a betrayal of one's truest self and secondly it would be incredibly ungrateful to the God who calls us to something else; finally, it would fail those who would be touched by us in our true vocation. Each of us has an assortment of significant gifts and talents and in the main what God asks of us is that we use some or even most of these gifts as fully as possible as part of the constellation we know as Selfhood for the sake of the Kingdom. At least that is how things ordinarily go in responding to a Divine vocation. But with hermits the situation is different. Many of our individual gifts will go unused and relatively undeveloped. If we have a vision of what we would like to do with our life drawn around our gifts and talents --- even if that is a particular way we can serve the Church, we will generally have to let that go if we discern a call to eremitical life. And of course, all of that is terribly countercultural and counterintuitive.At the same time we must look at the central or defining elements of c 603 itself: stricter separation from the world, the silence of solitude, assiduous prayer and penance, and ask what such a life looks at, what it demands from us. If we are not called to all of this (and even when we are), then it does mean letting go of relationships, time with friends and family, activities, other personal outlets and resources that most folks need to be whole --- for these are all ways to God. Still, we look to God alone and our relationship with God to be the sole source of strength and validation in our lives; everything else must be secondary to this. We understand that there will be a few significant others who assist us in allowing God to truly be the One he wills to be for us and through us, but again, we look to God in a fairly direct (less often mediated) way to complete us and to make us into who he calls us to be. This is the witness a hermit gives. It is meant to be the person a hermit is for others.
In all of this (and of course in its relationship with God) the life is a rich one. One studies, can write, paint, sculpt (etc.) and engage in cottage industries to support oneself. One will read, pray, do inner work which may involve journaling, and any number of other things that may support and flow from one's prayer. As most readers here know, I teach a bit of Scripture and do spiritual direction which implies study and ongoing inner work as well as limited relationships and a few really good friendships. What one cannot do as a hermit is substitute active ministry for the eremitical life itself. Active ministry will always be limited and at least secondary to one's life in the hermitage. Neither can one treat what is to be a contemplative life of prayer as some sort of stopgap for doing whatever one really feels called to do.
In looking at the central characteristics of c 603 we become aware of other reasons it is a terrible thing for someone to try and live as a hermit without a divine vocation. For instance, it is important to remember that the silence of solitude breaks us down (optimally it does this in a way that breaks us open and makes us vulnerable to the grace of God) and for some persons, extended periods of silence and solitude can be emotionally and psychologically destructive. Thomas Merton used to speak of solitude herself opening the door to someone; it is not a reality one can simply take up on one's own for extended periods without the danger of real psycho-social damage being done to one. Beyond this there is a vast difference between thriving in the silence of solitude and merely tolerating it with distractions, busy-work, and other defensive accommodations.The Silence of Solitude, a Transfiguring Reality:
Hermits are precisely those rare individuals, however, who thrive in the silence of solitude, who find that this is the context for a life where they can be rendered entirely transparent to the love of God and where their own incapacities, weaknesses, and limitations can become the stuff of grace. For most people, a life of silence and solitude will be isolating and personally stifling or even crippling, but the silence of solitude is the place an authentic hermit is transfigured into a sacramental reality. That is, again, a rare and little-understood phenomenon.
Consider in this regard the recent comments of the Bishop of Lexington on c 603 vocations: [[“hermits are a rarely used form of religious life … but they can be either male or female. Because there’s no pursuit of priesthood or engagement in sacramental ministry, and because the hermit is a relatively quiet and secluded type of vocation, I didn’t see any harm in letting him live this vocation.”]]This is a classic, "whom can it hurt?" response which is apparently ignorant (or disbelieving) not only of the nature, charism, and rigors of authentic eremitical life, but also (and this seems very clear to me) it seems to indicate the bishop had no real belief that the person he had attempted to profess in this way had a true vocation of any sort. The degrees of apparent carelessness, culpable ignorance, equivocation, and actual dishonesty in all of this are astounding in one called to be a bishop to whom the Church entrusted the wellbeing of this precise vocation.
On the Relationship of Active Ministry to Prayer:
Your most critical questions regard the significance of the eremitical vocation as opposed to vocations defined in terms of active ministry. First of all, while Jesus' active ministry was significant and apparently full-time for the last year to three years of his life, it is important to remember that those scant months were rooted in his relationship with his Father in the Spirit, a relationship that developed, matured, and deepened over thirty-some years and was constantly a source of prayer during the time of active ministry itself. This is the same relationship between eremitical life per se and the limited active ministry a hermit may be called to in her life. It is supposed to mirror the priority of being over doing that everyone in the Church should make evident in whatever vocation to which they are called.This priority is precisely one of the things a hermit is called to witness to with a special vividness and clarity. It is one of the ways a hermit serves the church. Yes, the church commissions most people to active ministry in their proclamation of the Gospel, but the hermit is commissioned to make very clear that being in relationship with God is the source and substance of everything else the Church does or says. And, for those who cannot undertake active ministry in any significant way, whether because of chronic illness, disability, or other significant limitations, the hermit says it is the relationship with God that matters more foundationally or fundamentally than anything else. Without it, even our limited active ministry would be empty or worse, self-aggrandizing and self-serving. But when this relationship is truly allowed to come first and to be the exhaustive aim and goal of a human life, there the Incarnation of God is realized (again) in that poor, limited, and even disabled individual. The value and impact of such a generous life can hardly be imagined.
I don't think you should let go of a sense of call to active ministry if that is what you have discerned, particularly to become a hermit. However, if your question is what does a hermit really offer the Church, I think the answer is that the hermit shows the Church her own heart and constantly calls her back to the truth of that. Before missioning, there must be a relationship with God. Beneath any commissioning, there must be that same exhaustive relationship. Beyond commissioning, there will remain one's rootedness in this relationship because this relationship is the source and goal of every authentic human impulse and endeavor. This is precisely what a hermit is called to live and bear witness to. As I have said before, who the hermit is in God is the hermit's ministry. The hermit is the one in whom the priority of being over doing is most starkly illustrated; any dishonesty here (including with oneself) will show itself as starkly. Moreover, it is precisely why the Church will never exist without authentic hermits; she desperately needs those who reveal the Church's own heart to her, and thus too, call her to always be reformed in light of that foundational reality.