Followup Questions on Friendship, Facebook, etc.

[[I just wanted to write to say a big thank you for your blog - a great addition to the sometime idiosyncratic and opinionated blogosphere. I have been thinking about friendship in this modern age and would be very interested in your take on the question. I read your posts on Friendship and have thought about them a little. My question is centered on how friendship has been redefined by the use of new media (Facebook, blogs, Twitter, etc) and how you as a hermit respond to these changes. People commonly speak about being "friends" on Facebook but one wonders how deep these relationships really are. (One also wonders if people can really have 5000 friends, the current limit of friends on Facebook.)

Allow me to rephrase with a question: should a Catholic/Christian be on Facebook? Thomas Merton wrote numerous letters while in the hermitage, would a modern Catholic/Christian log into Facebook and comment on Status Updates? Would some of the missionary saints be using new media today to proclaim the message of Jesus? I wonder how St Augustine would see the issue? Modern popes have highlighted some of the problems with the internet. Yet they have also called the faithful to be involved. Yet my question is centered on how - as a hermit - you see these things. And how you see the concept of modern friendship as a psychologist (which I think you are!?!).]]

Thanks so much for both your comments and your questions. First, though, I am not a psychologist. My field is Systematic Theology and I work regularly as a spiritual director. Formerly I was a hospital chaplain, and also worked as a phlebotomist and research assistant in neurosciences.

Facebook, Internet, and Christian Participation

Regarding your questions, I don't see why Christians shouldn't be on Facebook, but I believe they must be very cautious with how they use it (or let it "use" them!). It, like many forms of internet activity is completely capable of trivializing the concepts of friendship and genuine communication, often substituting superficial contact with unknown people for these. Likewise it can insidiously (or not so insidiously!) blur the very real line between a true honesty and openness which respects privacy and discretion, and a kind of careless "letting it all hang out" which seems to have no concept of genuine privacy. I am often appalled at how a phenomenon like Facebook erodes the capacity of folks to recognize the sacredness of friendship, or the distinction between openness, personal transparency, and complete indiscriminateness. Transparency is also actually a function of self-esteem, while indiscriminateness is just the opposite. The internet generally and Facebook more specifically can give us the illusion of being connected or participating in the rhythm and dynamics of life when this is really not true. Finally, social media can be used as a kind of narcotic to anesthetize ourselves from the pain of isolation, inauthenticity, or other difficulties when a major part of the answer is a degree of real solitude and the personal work that can occasion. As I think I mentioned in the earlier posts, what Facebook often offers is the notion of "friending" but, like cheap grace which is the fraudulent and empty version of the real thing, it is often a counterfeit version of "befriending."

As a hermit I generally see Facebook as a kind of noise. It is also something that epitomizes the way I regard "worldliness." It is an ambiguous reality which distorts (or can easily distort) what is truly sacred and can lead to Christ. But I think this means it challenges us to see and use it rightly for the gift it is and can be. I do belong to Facebook (my sister snagged me for it), but I rarely use it and almost never with good friends. It works especially well for allowing acquaintances to contact me on feastdays, birthdays, etc, and for me to do the same with them, or to contact people I have not seen since High School, for instance, but it is not a way I would nurture a friendship or proclaim the Gospel of Christ, etc. The same is true of other forms of internet interaction, message boards, chat rooms, etc.

In part this reticence on my part stems from experience. Back when I got the first computer I had with a modem, etc, I remember being really excited about the apparent opportunities the internet seemed to afford for teaching, sharing, etc, and I did find a few really special contacts who have, in time, become good friends. But generally, I found the faceless, anonymous character of the internet encourages people to behave at their worst, and contributes to acting out which includes outright cruelty, disrespect, bullying, dishonesty, fraud, and often creates a general environment which makes reverence or transparency very difficult if not impossible. One does (or should) not easily cast pearls before swine, and very often sharing online seems to be little more than this. Even this blog, which is limited in scope and readership and does not allow comments, sometimes receives responses via email or other blogs which make me question the prudence of continuing it --- or at least of posting/writing as transparently or autobiographically as seems appropriate given the topics I deal with.

However, there are excellent examples of the use of the internet to proclaim the Gospel, teach the faith, foster genuine community, and inspire friendship. One of the really stellar examples of this is the A Nun's Life website, which, in just the space of several years has grown from a simple blog to a full time ministry of two IHM Sisters of Monroe, Michigan encompassing podcasts, chat (and a community of followers), Q and A, guest speakers with genuine expertise and a down-to-earth approach to spirituality, etc. It represents one of the best examples I know of the use of the internet as something authentically edifying in the every sense of that term. Other religious and clergy, as well as a few diocesan hermits have blogs, and some of those I have seen are truly exemplary in Christian terms. I am positive there are others, but I am simply not knowledgeable enough of what's available to list them.

Granted, the internet is seductive in many ways, and sometimes a near occasion of sin. When I think of Thomas Merton alive in this time of almost instant access to everyone I can imagine his journals being filled with a struggle to balance the draw and capacity of this new medium with the cloistered character of his monastic and eremitical life. It would be a variation on the struggles that permeated his journals anyway of course, but I have no doubt he would have embraced it as a significant medium with great potential for good! Perhaps in some ways we are the better for the fact that publishing as he did required constraints the internet does not have. Had he written as the internet makes possible, we might have a vastly diluted and diffused body of his work. So, again, caution, restraint, and reverence for ourselves and those to whom we speak (as well as for Word or language itself) is essential in using the internet wisely or prudently and effectively. But, as any other thing the Christian (and even the hermit) approaches, we don't simply condemn or reject it. We must try hard to use it in the best way we can --- especially in a way which reflects our own genuine self-esteem in Christ and which contributes to the perfection of our world and the growth of genuine community.

Regarding Friendship

I don't know what more I can actually say about friendship that I have not said in other recent posts. It is true that there have been periods in the history of Christian spirituality when the value of personal friendships was devalued in the name of allowing Christ to be the one true friend. However, whenever Christology has adequately reflected and reflected upon the humanity of Christ and the texts in the NT that deal with relationships, the importance of personal friendships (and especially those in Christ) have come to the fore.

Human beings, as I have written here often, are communal realities. We are incomplete without God who, in part, constitutes a dimension of our very being. Not only does he dwell in our hearts, but his very breath enlivens and empowers us in a way which makes us truly human. Similarly, we are incomplete without others --- whom we are called to love and regard as part of the very same body of Christ we are part of (or are called to make up). Friendship, it seems to me, is one of the holiest realities we can know in our lives. Unfortunately, for that very reason, it is also one of the first things which is distorted and profaned as well. When sin distorts, fragments, alienates, and isolates, it is healthy relationships which are affected first after our own hearts. And so, our hunger for friendship becomes all the keener, but it also becomes distorted and tinged (or pervaded) by deficiency needs which makes our approach to others self-centered.

Our hunger (and also our God-given capacity) for friendship (or simply for connectedness) is something which phenomena like Facebook and the internet more generally both reflect, seek to provide a means to fulfill, and actually exploit and exacerbate. While these things CAN allow true communication, more often they substitute superficiality which does not truly satisfy and merely whets one's desire for more and deeper relatedness. It is a bit like being glutted with non-nutritious food when what one really wants are a few really nourishing bites. We suffer as people from lack of the real thing; we are dehumanized by it to some extent and left glutted but empty. Social media does some good things but it also contributes to this form of personal or social malnutrition. It also, unfortunately, trains or socializes us to accept the objectification, exploitation, and profanation of others as means to self-satisfaction. This can run the gamut from pornography, to the regular disrespect we see on message boards, to the simple counting of people as "notches" or numbers on our facebook "score sheet." It is astounding to me that anyone could read the "number of friends" tally that shows up there as something worthy of the reference to "friends."

Anyway, these are a few of my more critical thoughts regarding your questions. A more positive take on the internet (especially in regard to hermit life) is available in an earlier post. I will stop here or else I may never get this posted! Again, thanks for your comments and questions.