First Steps: Applying Hermit Lessons to Those with Chronic Illness and Disability

[[Hi Sister Laurel,  I am chronically ill, probably on the way to being disabled. I don't want to live as a hermit. I want to do as much as I can with my education and my talents. I also want to maintain my relationships with others, but there is no doubt that illness limits my ability to do all these things, sometimes more than other times. Does what hermits live still apply to me if I am disabled or chronically ill? Can you please explain how what you live could apply to me even if I am not a hermit and don't want to be one?]]  (Redacted some)

Yes, I can sure try at least to start doing so in this post!!! Thanks for your question! When I look at my life, I know that it bears witness to two different sets of conditions: 1) those appropriate to a hermit, and 2) those appropriate to someone with chronic illness and disability. What is also true, however, is that in my life and that of other hermits with chronic illness, for instance, these two sets of conditions overlap. They are both ways to witness to the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and they are both examples of desert experiences, and even forms of desert existence. Both of these sets of conditions demand that I pose serious existential questions, questions of being and meaning, and that I am open to the most radical answer available to us, so let me start there.

Existential questions of Being and Meaning:

Questions of being revolve around the issue of being my true self. So, for instance (and just off the top of my head!) what does it mean to be truly human? Is it possible for me to be fully myself if illness (or hermit life) limits the gifts I can develop and use for others? Is it possible for me to learn to truly love others maturely if my relationships with others are curtailed by the limitations of disability (or hermit life)?  Questions of meaning revolve around the value and purposefulness of my life in Christ, whether as a Christian with a disability or as someone living in eremitical solitude. And largely, these questions can be answered positively and become a witness for others if the questions of being can be answered positively. For example, if I answer the question about the possibility of being truly myself positively based on my experience of disability or of eremitical life, then I can proceed to explain what the value or purpose of my life is or has been and why that is important. This essentially works out as Christian witness for the sake of others.

Whether one is a hermit or has no inclination to be one, disability and chronic illness impose a variety of existential questions of meaning. What kind of theology makes sense of both my suffering and the limitations associated with chronic illness? Does God will suffering? Could I love such a God? Why has this happened to me? Am I able to develop and use some of my God-given gifts? What if I am not? Am I able to value myself as a person with unique limitations or is that difficult for me? What makes it possible for me to affirm my beauty as a human being not only in spite of my limitations but perhaps because of them and what God is helping me to do with them? What do I do when other people seem to be repulsed by me? What do I do if I am repulsed by myself? Does my life really have value, can I really make a meaningful contribution, or am I a waste of skin? What if I am so self-centered and/or angry because of my situation that I can't really love myself or anyone else? What am I supposed to do? Am I just unloving and unlovable? Can I get past my limitations here? In whatever way we ask these kinds of questions about how we are to be ourselves, they are questions about the meaning of our lives and are some of the deepest existential questions we pose and/or embody.

A number of these questions are also raised by the solitary eremitical life, especially those dealing with our capacity and willingness to love ourselves and others, and those centered around letting go of specific God-given gifts in order to embrace a solitary eremitical life. Does the hermit really live a full and meaningful life when letting go of such gifts? Do they really make a meaningful contribution to the Church and world? Of course, all of the theological questions raised and many more besides will show up in some form. We are used to esteeming certain forms of ministry and valuing lives that make a contribution in strict Gospel language (preaching the Gospel, feeding the poor, clothing the naked, healing the sick, etc.), but hermits are a different matter because of their hiddenness, and because the value of their lives raises significant questions, both for them and for those who know and regard them.

Finding the Answer to Our Existential Questions:

Hermits don't only live the deep existential questions of being and meaning. Over time, both through their studies (Scripture, Spirituality, and Theology) and through their experience (especially of inner work like that of spiritual direction and through their long history of assiduous prayer), they come more and more to know the answers to these questions. Your own chronic illness invites you to be aware of and pose such significant questions. It invites you to find the answers!!! You need not withdraw completely to do this. Good friends can help. So can priests, pastors, spiritual directors, some physicians and therapists, and the time you take exploring such questions in writing, work, art, music, prayer, etc. This kind of exploration is not selfish. It can serve others who also suffer from chronic illness and disability, or are marginalized in other ways. Of course, you could distract yourself from such things and never really grapple with them, but that would be a lot like someone calling themselves a hermit while watching TV many hours a day, or otherwise being taken up with screens, etc. It would be like a hermit who does not commit themselves to the long and ever-deepening journey to union with God, which is all about growth in a relationship that completes us, and witnesses to the truth of the Gospel we find in Romans 8, for instance.

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[j] 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[k] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

What is critically important to both the hermit and to the person with chronic illness or disability is the fact that the "answer" to our existential questions is discovered as we learn who we really are, and that only happens in relationship with those who see us for who we truly are. This does not mean seeing our flaws and limitations, though they will also do that, but rather seeing us as God sees us. In monastic life, the wisdom of truly seeing is doing this with the heart, seeing a person with love. This is what it means to see someone (including ourselves) as God sees us. It is what the Magnificat refers to when it says that God regards Mary. He truly knows her and esteems her, despite her limitations. In journeying to union with God, one will journey to the depths of one's own darkness, one's own distortions, defences, selfishness, fear, and despair. The hermit is committed, however, to finding the Light that darkness could not overcome.  She trusts in the existence of such a Light (this is what we call faith), and she learns, in time, to trust that this Light is deeper and more real than the darkness and distortions that obscure it. When she meets this Light, she meets not only her truest self, but the God Jesus revealed to us on the Cross, the God from whose love nothing at all can separate us. Here is the source of real hope and the ability to live with chronic illness/disability as a source of grace. Here is the witness that both hermits and those with chronic illness or disability are entrusted to make.

Obviously, this God is not only available to hermits. Such availability does, however, mean committing oneself to developing a strong and regular prayer life in which one grows in knowing God and oneself as God knows one. It means committing oneself to the kind of inner work that allows all of those existential questions to be fully posed so that God might reveal himself as the answer God is, and to do so as fully as possible. It means discerning how best to live one's life while accepting unavoidable and painful limitations. Hermits can be something of an exemplar here, especially if they have their own disabilities, but even if they don't, they still choose to allow God alone to be and do in their lives what only God can ultimately be and do. They want, and, of course, they are also called to witness to the deepest truth of the Gospel with their very lives! 

For every person created, God is the One who completes us and is the very source of both Being and Meaning. In other words, God is the one in whom the unique existential question that we ourselves are is "answered" and resolved. God is the source of meaningful life, peace, hope, love, truth, beauty, wholeness, and holiness. The basic or foundational vocational task of every human being is to let God be precisely THIS God, the God without whom we cannot be truly human or truly whole. When we are "successful" in such a vocation, the God our lives reveal and witness to in Christ, is the God Jesus revealed fully, the One we call Emmanuel (i.e., the one who is known most truly as God With Us)!! To witness to the God who is really Emmanuel in everything we live, including the darknesses, suffering, and even despair, lies at the heart of every vocation, eremitical and otherwise.

Please treat this as a starting point for your questions. If you have other, more practical questions, please get back to me. There are probably other pieces from the last year or two that are clearer, so have a look at those as well.

When We Pray for Healing: God as the Answer to Every Prayer

[[Hi Sister, I have always struggled with the feeling that God is not answering my prayers. I also have seizures, and God has not answered my prayer that they be stopped and healed. When you said "this gift of God's Self is the . . .answer to all prayer," what did you mean?]]

Thanks! I am grateful for your question! I sometimes hope folks will ask about certain things I say, and I often wait for it, or decide to say more later on anyway. Still, when the question I had been hoping for is asked, it is wonderful, so thank you! Also, thanks for sharing a bit about your situation.  My own seizures are medically and surgically intractable, so I think I know at least a little of what you mean about your prayer for healing. In any case, please know that I will hold you in prayer!

Now, about your question. I remember hearing someone explain in a homily, "God always answers our prayers; sometimes he says 'No'!" and at first, I thought that was a really clever answer. Until, that is, I had studied some theology and realized it raised more questions and created more difficulties than it answered or resolved. Over the years of reading theology, I saw several "mainline" approaches to the problem of suffering, and the struggle was always, 1) to do justice to the nature and will of God,  2) to do justice to the reality of our world and of sin, and 3) to respond in a truly pastorally sensitive and effective way. It seemed to me that if we were able to do justice to the nature and will of God, the rest would work itself out. I continue to believe that, and now, I would add that that often happens in unimaginable ways.

The Nature and Will of God in our Evolving World:

So what is the nature and will of God? I begin with the most foundational thing I think we can say, namely, God is Love-in-Act. God is the dynamic, eternal act of loving, and everything that comes to be comes to be because of this. God loves without ceasing and wants to create those who would be his counterpart. As far as the will of God goes, when we pray, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven," with what are we concerned? What is the will of God in every situation and circumstance? It can only be one thing, and that is that the God who is Eternal and the source and ground of existence, seeks to give Godself to us and love us into wholeness, or, stated somewhat differently, the God whose deepest desire is to be Emmanuel and to transform us and our world with His presence, is allowed to be and do that. This is always and everywhere the will of God. It was the will of God revealed most exhaustively on Golgotha when Jesus, in the face of godless sin and death, which he wholly took on, also remained open (obedient) to the one he called Abba, redeeming the situation and transforming godless reality with his presence. 

Remember that in our lives, ultimately, the one thing missing to one degree or another is God. Every person is made for union with God, and every person is born into a world subject to estrangement and alienation from God. We are incomplete and threatened by death in all of its forms, large and small. Every illness, every sin, every source of serious anxiety, and every failure to love or to be loved,  every act of inappropriate self-assertion and misguided autonomy, every instance of idolatry in its infinite number of forms, all of these and more, stem from the fact of this estrangement or alienation. Life has, to some extent, lost touch with its source and ground, and that source and ground is God. In Christ, God is about the larger project of reconciling all things to Himself. This constitutes both our ultimate healing and the definitive resolution of the lesser forms of illness and suffering we each encounter. We are perfected or brought to wholeness in God.

If all of reality is estranged or alienated from God, it is important to realize that in the Gospel accounts of Jesus' life and purpose, Jesus' healing ministry was "not enough". Even if Jesus had healed every person he came into contact with in his public ministry, it would never have been enough. After all, these illnesses, etc., were symptoms of a much deeper and more extensive situation. Thus, what God willed was to be with us, truly and personally present to, with, and for us in every moment and mood of our existence. God willed to reconcile all things to and in Himself. Our openness to letting him be God is the necessary way forward here. We had (and still have) to learn to be obedient (attentive and responsive) as Jesus was obedient, not because God willed Jesus' suffering nor ours (he did not and does not!), but because God willed Jesus' exhaustive integrity, as God's own counterpart here, in the face of our world's brokenness and hostility. 

Learning to be God's Covenantal Partners:

If we could learn to allow God to be Emmanuel (God With Us), if we too could become his counterparts, and never be alone, ultimately never be incomplete, never be without comfort or hope, the suffering that also and inevitably comes our way would lose a great deal of its sting; it could even be made meaningful as something that puts us in touch with our deepest yearnings and thus too, opens us to God's presence which is the source of our yearning in the first place. It is as though we ask for smaller gifts (healing, the easing of certain situations, etc) because we can't see any further than these things allow us to see, and God gives us the greater gift, the ultimately healing and comforting gift of Godself. So now, when I hear the statement, "God always answers our prayers," I complete it with "Yes, He gives us Himself," and I may note that with this presence, he transforms the entire world even in and sometimes through our woundedness!

Aware that in Christ God has become an eternally present, active, and faithful part of my life, I try to remember that God's purposes are larger than the problems I have and may seek healing for. I try to watch for signs of what God is actually doing with my life, despite and even through my illness and pain. I try to remember that my life is meaningful because of who I am and become with and in God, not what I might have been able to do if my desire for healing itself was met. Then, too, I try to discern what God and I are called to do together in these circumstances. A few of the questions I might raise include: Does his presence transform my suffering even though God does not heal me (and especially, not at this point in time)? Is my healing something that occurs on a deeper level? Am I more compassionate? More courageous? Am I less focused on my own limited vision of things? Have I become more vulnerable and less self-centered? Can I truly say, with St Paul, O God, "your grace is sufficient for me, your power is perfected in weakness"? In other words, have I accommodated myself to God's will, or have I failed in this? Do I watch for the unexpected ways my life can glorify God, or do I only see things in one key?

What is Possible When Healing Doesn't Happen:

In my own life, what became possible sans my own healing was a theology of chronic illness or disability as vocation, and as a potential eremitical vocation. I have been able to publish some (though not enough) on this. It has also, therefore, made eremitical life possible for me and led to an approach to eremitical life that broadens the concept of desert existence to include chronic illness and disability. This, in turn, opens the vocation to many who might have been turned away because they could not have met older notions of desert spirituality that required the hermit to live a physically arduous existence in a literal desert. It also contributed to my experiential sense that God did not will Jesus' crucifixion, but rather, God willed Jesus' radical openness and integrity as he continued a ministry that "spoke truth to the powers and principalities of this world" more than it concerned itself with directly or immediately healing every person or illness. 

The point here is that I can consider all of these and more because God has given Himself to me and to this world, not necessarily to heal this specific illness or that particular disability here and now, but instead to help me contribute to his re-creation of the whole world by witnessing to the truth of the Gospel, and reconciling this world to God in Christ. What I know is that God makes our lives abundantly alive and meaningful, even though this side of death, our union with God is imperfect, and we do not have the fullness of life we are called to yet. That God makes his dwelling place with us and acts with us to minister to his world, even in our brokenness and woundedness, is an affirmation of the way God values the whole of our lives. 

When we receive God in our lives, they become a covenantal project we undertake with Him; even illness and disability become potentially sacramental realities that affirm not only that we are made by and for God, but also that every dimension of our lives, including our brokenness and woundedness, is meaningful. With God, we will never be truly alone in anything we undertake, or in any suffering that comes our way. With God, our lives take on a completely new perspective that allows us to make a significant contribution in spite of, and sometimes, even because of illness and disability, not because God said no to our prayers for healing, but because he answered them in the affirmative way he answers every prayer, with the gift of Himself!! 

With this in mind, I would encourage you 1) to continue to pour your heart out to God as fully and honestly as you can, and 2) to practice discerning God's presence in all of the ways God comes to you, even when that does not involve the immediate healing of your seizure disorder. (In fact, if you focus mainly on healing, you may be less aware of the other ways God is at work in your life and miss possibilities for meaningful contributions to God's Church and world.) God will always answer your prayer, and he does that by giving Himself to you again and again, continually in fact. Accept him on his own terms, in his own good time (hard as that will sometimes be!), and try to trust that in this, as in everything, God works his will to bring life out of death, good out of evil, and meaning out of meaninglessness or absurdity. 

Again, know that I hold you in prayer. Thanks for doing the same for me!