On the Woody Allen "Motto," Love to Suffer and Suffer to Love

[[Sister Laurel, what does the motto, "Love to suffer and suffer to love," mean? Is this a common Christian motto or wisdom statement?]]

Thanks for your question. I had to Google this saying and found it (or at least a close variation of it) is associated with a Woody Allen movie called Love and Death (1975)! This means the brief answer to your question is no, this is neither a Christian motto, nor, as it stands, is it common Christian wisdom. (That is, as you have cited it, it may be common, but it is not Christian, and I would argue that its wisdom is doubtful and, possibly, destructive!) Since I haven't seen the movie, I can't tell you what it means in context (and context is key). The film is, however, a parody of the complexities of loving and suffering, and (perhaps too of living and dying). In some ways, it seems to be about the messiness and even the apparent irrationality of human love. 

Some of this is summarized in a passage by a younger woman speaking to her cousin Sonja about someone who is in love with another person they both know, while that second person is in love with someone else who is having an affair with another person entirely, who loves physically but not spiritually, and whose love interest is also in love with. . . and on it goes in a long chain of frustrating instances of love producing suffering! (I'll add the clip of this below.) It is both hysterical and fraught! One comes away with the sense that human love is complex and intimately linked to suffering, but also, that whether we love or fail to love suffering ensues!! The blunt conclusion that one is to "love to suffer and suffer to love" is a simplistic way of cutting away the nuances and complexities of the relationship between these two realities, while shining a light on a situation that Allen found both funny and absurd. As the young woman says in the clip referred to above, [[Cousin Sonja, I never want to marry. I just want to get divorced!]].

That said, from a Christian perspective, the saying of itself is a distortion of the truth about loving and its relation to suffering. Yes, no question, suffering is intimately related to loving others. To open ourselves to genuine love is also to open ourselves to the pain of compassion, grief, loss, bereavement, having our love unreturned or betrayed, and ultimately, even having it abused and otherwise rejected. Love requires the gift of self, and that self-gift implies vulnerability that entails real sacrifice and pain.  In loving, we open ourselves to suffering and loss, but also to real joy and fulfillment when we choose to live our lives for the other's sake. The greatest image of this interrelatedness of love and suffering for the Christian is the Christ Event. God gives himself to and for us, and the Word is made incarnate in Jesus. Jesus says yes after yes after yes to allowing this incarnational event to be made real in space and time in and through his own life. He gives himself exhaustively for God's sake and the sake of all that is precious to God, right on up to Golgotha and beyond. But none of this equates to the Woody Allen conclusion, "Love to suffer and suffer to love!" (Remember, this movie is a parody, and parodies raise complex realities to a simplistic expression that is absurd! They do this to make us laugh and also to think more deeply and clearly.)

I don't think anything the Scriptures teach us gives the sense that Jesus "loved to suffer" in either the sense that he loved so that he might suffer, or in the sense that suffering was something he loved to do -- the only senses I can see "love to suffer" really bearing in this sentence. Quite the opposite!! Jesus was a highly social man who loved life and celebrated it and the grace of God in every way he knew. I suspect this is why he was labelled a glutton and drunkard (and perhaps something of a party animal) by some highly religious folk! Certainly, however, his love implied or occasioned suffering. It is the case that Jesus' suffering, both throughout his life and in his passion and death, was occasioned by the fact and faithfulness of his love for God and for the whole of God's creation. The idea that we suffer in order to love only makes sense in this way: viz., we accept suffering as an integral part of choosing to love. If, on the other hand, we are saying that suffering necessarily implies we love others, this is a mistake. There is such a thing as masochism, where suffering is a personal imperative, and it has nothing to do with loving oneself or others.

Each of us is to be realistic about love and life. Suffering (or at least a vulnerability to suffering) will be occasioned by both, and certainly by a faithful life of obedience (attentive responsiveness) to God. But so will abundant fruitfulness and joy! Additionally, suffering is the result of sin, not necessarily personal sin, but the state of sin -- the state of estrangement or alienation from God, who is the ground and source of being and meaning. As I have reiterated here over the years, God did not will Jesus' suffering; God willed an abundant and truly human life filled with the love of God and others, and lived for the sake of the Kingdom. God willed that Jesus live this life with integrity, generosity, and compassion, so that God might be Emmanuel (God with us), and so he did!! Jesus suffered (or embraced suffering) because he loved, and he loved despite his suffering, so perhaps this is a better paradigm (or motto) for Christians. It is quite different from the Woody Allen imperative! In any case, the excerpt from the movie clip is included here. I think you can hear the parody in just this small piece of the whole.